


Who Is Running This Army?!

by Slireon, WilliamAGrey



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: (or something resembling it), Ahsoka Tano is a Little Shit, Being a clone sucks, Bly can't stop making puns, Bullying Fox hours, But it is not a foregone conclusion, Canon is happening on the background, Cat Videos, Chatlogs, Clone Bois Banter, Comedy, Crack, Crack and Angst, Crack and fluff and angst i guess???, Experimental Style, First there was nothing, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Crack, Functional Alcoholic Obi-Wan Kenobi, Gen, Human Disaster Anakin Skywalker, Padmé Time, Plot, Then there was, chatfic, fuck is a star wars swear word, mostly - Freeform, the clones are good bros, we might get a happy ending u guys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:14:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24919663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slireon/pseuds/Slireon, https://archiveofourown.org/users/WilliamAGrey/pseuds/WilliamAGrey
Summary: Fresh off their first battle, the clone troopers of the GAR have swiftly gained fame for their unparallaled effectiveness, professionalism and sheer combat skill, the likes of which the Galaxy has never seen before.Which is nothing short of amazing when their commanders can't find their asses with both hands.OR: There's way too few chatfics in this fandom, and we decided to pitch in.EDIT: Then, suddenly, there's plot and fluff and angst!
Relationships: Anakin Skywalker & Cat Videos, CC-5052 | Bly/Aayla Secura, CT-7567 | Rex & Ahsoka Tano, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 120
Kudos: 548





	1. The Beginning of the End

**Author's Note:**

  * For [princealderann](https://archiveofourown.org/users/princealderann/gifts), [ellapromachos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellapromachos/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Command Squad Chat](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21475132) by [writehandman](https://archiveofourown.org/users/writehandman/pseuds/writehandman). 



> Literally one person (misskeysmash) asked for this, and that was good enough for me.
> 
> The original lineup of the comm channel:  
> CC-1010 “Fox”, CC-2224 “Cody”, CC-5052 “Bly”, CC-3636 “Wolffe”, CC-1119 “Appo”, CC-1138 “Bacara”, CC-1004 “Gree”, CC-4477 “Thire”, CC-8826 “Neyo”, CC-5869 “Stone”, CC-6454 “Ponds” and CC-3714 “Thorn”
> 
> (Thorn has no canon number, so I made one out of his debut date, March 7th 2014)

**[ _Default_ has created group _GAR Clone Commanders Comm Channel_ ]**

**[** ** _Default_ ** **has added** **_CC-1010, CC-2224, CC-5052, CC-3636, CC-1119, CC-1138, CC-1004, CC-4477, CC-8826, CC-5869, CC-6454, CC-3714_ ** **]**

**[There is currently no set topic]**

**CC-2224:** The fuck is this?

 **CC-2224:** Wait, we have a commanders’ group comm channel?

 **CC-2224:** Neat.

 **CC-1119:** Is that what this function is for?

 **[** ** _CC-2224_ ** **has kicked** **_CC-1119_ ** **from the channel]**

 **[** ** _CC-2224_ ** **has added** **_CT-7567_ ** **]**

 **CC-2224:** Much better.

 **CC-1010:** Cody, what the hell are you doing? 

**CC-1010:** This secure channel is for tactical purposes only!

 **CC-2224:** Bold of you to assume I give a shit.

 **CC-1010:** Why did you kick Appo?!

 **[** ** _CC-2224_ ** **has changed the comm’s name to** ** _Fox sucks_** **]**

 **CC-1010:** CODY!

 **[** ** _CC-1010_ ** **has changed the comm’s name to** ** _GAR Clone Commanders Comm Channel_ ****]**

 **CC-1010:** Answer my question!

 **[** ** _CC-8826_ ** **has left the channel]**

 **CC-3636:** Asshole.

 **CC-5052:** Yeah, fuck that guy.

 **[** ** _CC-2224_ ** **has changed the comm’s name to** ** _Nope_ ****]**

 **CC-1004:** And why did Cody add a CT?

 **CT-7567:** Permission to speak frankly, sir?

 **CC-1004:** Go ahead, trooper.

 **CT-7567:** I have no fucking idea, sir.

 **CC-2224:** His name is Rex. He’s an ARC trooper on the 212th. He’s got a good head on his shoulders, and he’s showing great promise as a leader, tactician and field commander. He earned Jaig Eyes during Geonosis due to feats of extraordinary valour and personal bravery. I’ve taken him under my wing, and that’s why I added him to this channel.

 **CT-7567:** If it’s no problem, sirs.

 **CC-2224:** It won’t be, Rex. At ease.

 **CC-3636:** Jaig Eyes? Holy shit that’s awesome.

 **[** ** _CC-1010_ ** **has changed the comm’s name to** ** _GAR Clone Commanders Comm Channel_ ****]**

 **CC-1010:** Cody, this is a blatant transgression of regulations!

 **CC-1010:** You can’t do this!

 **CC-2224:** Yes I can.

 **CC-2224:** I outrank you.

 **CC-2224:** I outrank literally everybody here.

 **CC-5869:** He’s not wrong.

 **CC-1010:** Don’t encourage him, Stone.

 **CC-2224:** I’M THE LAW.

 **CC-1010:** That doesn’t mean you can just add and kick people because you feel like it!

 **CC-2224:** Look, I already said that Rex is with me, and I take full responsibility for his actions in this channel.

 **CC-2224:** And regarding tactical decisions, I’ll just set up another comm channel for serious stuff later.

 **[** ** _CC-2224_ ** **has changed the comm’s name to** ** _Bitchin’ Hours_ ****]**

 **[** ** _CC-2224_ ** **has changed the comm’s topic to** ** _Relax. That’s an order._ ****]**

 **CC-3636:** Fair.

 **CC-2224:** And Appo jumped my dibs on the last bowl of ice-cream on the ship and I hate him now.

 **CC-1010:** Holy shit.

 **CC-5869:** What?!

 **CT-7567:** I couldn’t believe my eyes when it happened, sirs.

 **CC-6454:** How dare he.

 **CC-5052:** Disgusting.

 **CC-3636:** Revolting.

 **CC-5052:** Repulsive.

 **CC-5869:** You can’t just _skip_ dibs!

 **CC-6454:** Isn’t that like, illegal?

 **CC-3636:** Sickening.

 **CC-1004:** It should be.

 **CC-1010:** I will make it illegal. Appo should have known better.

 **CC-5052:** Loathsome.

 **CC-3636:** Repugnant.

 **CC-1138:** Nauseating.

 **CC-6454:** Bacara is here!

 **CC-1138:** As long as you keep the channel clear while we’re on active duty. We have a job to do and mindless chatter spamming the comms will only get us killed.

 **CC-1010:** Thank you!

 **CC-1138:** Also, Appo’s behaviour is utterly appalling and must be censured with extreme vehemence. I will not stand idle while a brother dishonours our code of honour.

 **CC-5052:** Ooh, appalling, that’s a good one.

 **CC-3636:** Outrageous.

 **CC-5052:** Scandalous.

 **CC-3636:** Repugnant.

 **CC-5052:** You already said that one.

 **CC-3636:** No I didn’t.

 **CC-3636:** Shut up.

 **CC-1010:** Are you guys done?

 **CC-3636:** no

 **CC-3636:** Abominable.

 **CC-5052:** Reprehensible.

 **CC-3636:** Unprecedented.

 **CC-3636:** Now we are.

 **CC-1004:** Guys, all these numbers are making my eyes bleed.

 **CC-1004:** Please change your names.

 **CC-1010:** No.

 **CC-2224:** Fox said no guys

 **CC-5052:** Gotcha.

 **[** ** _CC-2224_ ** **has changed their nametag to** ** _Commander Badass_ ****]**

 **CC-6454:** Nice.

 **[** ** _CC-3636_ ** **has changed their nametag to** ** _Woof_** **]**

 **[** ** _CC-5052_ ** **has changed their nametag to** ** _Blynded By Light_ ****]**

 **Woof:** By “light”, yeah right.

 **Woof:** You’re not fooling anyone, Bly.

 **Blynded By Light:** ???

 **[** ** _Woof_ ** **has changed** **_Blynded By Light_ ** **’s nametag to** ** _Blynded by General Secura’s Ass_** **]**

 **Blynded by General Secura’s Ass:** Absolutely fucking not.

 **Woof:** lol

 **[** ** _Blynded by General Secura’s Ass_ ** **has changed their nametag to** ** _Blyzzard_ ****]**

 **Woof:** Someone’s salty.

 **Blyzzard:** Not funny, Wolffe. Not only are you being grossly disrespectful, sexist and out of line, but if the wrong eyes happen to read this, they might think I have a crush on my general and send me back to Kamino for reconditioning!

 **Woof:** Just for the record, are you saying you _don’t_ have a crush on General Secura?

 **Blyzzard:** _Wolffe._

 **Woof:** Fine.

 **CC-1010:** This is ridiculous.

 **[** ** _CC-5869_ ** **has changed their nametag to** ** _Rock & Roll_ ****]**

 **CC-1010:** Not you too, Stone!

 **Rock & Roll: **Come on, Fox. Loosen up. We’ll just set up another comm for serious stuff like Cody said.

 **Commander Badass:** And that’s why I like you, Stone.

 **Rock & Roll:** I also happen to like myself.

 **CT-7567:** Permission to change my nametag too, sirs?

 **[** ** _CC-6454_ ** **has changed their nametag to** ** _Big Fish In a Small Pond_ ****]**

 **Commander Badass:** Go ahead, Rex.

 **Woof:** Awww, he’s so cute, asking for permission and shit.

 **Woof:** Can we keep him?

 **CC-1010:** Sigh.

 **CC-1010:** I’ll allow it.

 **Woof:** Nobody asked for your opinion, Fox.

 **[** ** _CT-7567_ ** **has changed their nametag to** ** _Rex_ ****]**

 **Blyzzard:** Also, did you seriously type down “sigh”?

 **Commander Badass:** Rex, we’re at ease. You can go nuts with your nametag. Have fun.

 **Rex:** I know, sir, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am among superior officers and I don’t want to overstep my boundaries.

 **[** ** _Woof_ ** **has changed** **_Rex_ ** **’s nametag to** ** _Baby_ ****]**

 **Baby:** what

 **Woof:** You are baby.

 **Blyzzard:** Our little Rex’ika.

 **Baby:** This is uncalled for.

 **[** ** _CC-1004_ ** **has changed their nametag to** ** _Gree_ ****]**

 **Woof:** Boring.

 **Gree:** Screw you, I put a lot of thought into that name.

 **[** ** _Blyzzard_ ** **has changed** **_Gree_ ** **’s nametag to** ** _Bacon Greese_** **]**

 **Woof:** LMAO

 **Commander Badass:** HAHAHAHAHA

 **Bacon Greese:** WHAT THE FUCK BLY

 **Blyzzard:** You clearly didn’t put half as much thought into your new haircut.

 **Bacon Greese:** WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

 **Blyzzard:** It sucks.

 **Bacon Greese:** ITS SUPPOSED TO HONOUR OUR FALLEN BROTHERS

 **Blyzzard:** By what, turning your hair into two bacon strips?

 **Blyzzard:** Like, if I died and someone did that for _me_ , I’d actually feel pretty offended.

 **Rock & Roll: **Yeah, sorry Gree, but I have to agree with Bly here.

 **Bacon Greese:** >:(

 **Blyzzard:** Hehehe, “aGree”

 **CC-1138:** On second thought, nope.

 **[** ** _CC-1138_ ** **has left the channel]**

 **Woof:** Bye Bacara!

 **Blyzzard:** Byecara

 **CC-1010:** Ugh

 **Commander Badass:** You suck and your puns suck.

 **Big Fish In a Small Pond:** I’m actually surprised he stuck around for so long.

 **Rock & Roll:** Yeah man, just mute it if you’re annoyed by all the pop ups.

 **Rock & Roll:** That’s what Thire did.

 **Commander Badass:** Ah, so that’s why he’s AFC.

 **Rock & Roll:** Yeah, he just couldn’t be bothered to read all of this.

 **Blyzzard:** Are you telling me he’s THIRED of us?

 **Big Fish In a Small Pond:** Please stop.

 **Bacon Greese:** Bly I will punch you in the face.

 **Blyzzard:** I probably deserve it.

 **Woof:** Hey _@Baby_ , you can talk too.

 **Woof:** We won’t bite.

 **Commander Badass:** Liar.

 **Blyzzard:** Liar.

 **Big Fish In a Small Pond:** Liar.

 **Bacon Greese:** Liar.

 **CC-1010:** You are so full of shit, Wolffe.

 **Rock & Roll: **Goddamn cannibal.

 **Woof:** Okay okay okay, THEY won’t bite.

 **Woof:** Jeez.

 **Baby:** I’m scared.

 **Woof:** What? Why? I’ve never bitten brothers before!

 **CC-1010:** I beg to differ.

 **Woof:** You don’t count.

 **CC-1010:** Why do I even bother.

 **Blyzzard:** Yeah, Fox, why _do_ you bother?

 **Baby:** Cody what have I done to deserve this.

 **Commander Badass:** Keep up with the little shit that is Commander Skywalker.

 **Baby:** AND THIS IS MY REWARD????

 **Commander Badass:** It will all make sense in due time, vod’ika.

 **Commander Badass:** You’ll thank me for this one day.

 **Baby:** You suck.

 **CC-3714:** Holy shit what is going on in here?

 **CC-1010:** Thorn please help me.

 **Blyzzard:** Cody hijacked the commanders comm and now we’re bullying Fox.

 **CC-3714:** Awesome.

 **[** ** _CC-3714_ ** **has changed their nametag to** ** _Hammer of the Gods_** **]**

 **[** ** _Hammer of the Gods_ ** **has changed comm’s name to** ** _Bullying Fox Hours_ ****]**

 **[** ** _Hammer of the Gods_ ** **has changed** **_CC-1010_ ** **’s nametag to** ** _Little Bitch_ ****]**

 **Little Bitch:** Why have you forsaken me, brother.

 **Hammer of the Gods:** It’s fun!

* * *

**[ _Bullying Fox Hours_ ]**

**Blyzzard:** So General Secura keeps asking me to take my bucket off when we’re talking.

 **Commander Badass:** … Why?

 **Blyzzard:** I have no idea.

 **Blyzzard:** I think she’s just trying to make sure she’s talking to the right clone?

 **Woof:** Dunno

 **Woof:** General Koon can tell each of us apart even with our buckets on

 **Woof:** He’s so awesome

 **Baby:** So do General Kenobi and Commander Skywalker.

 **Commander Badass:** Bly, that makes no sense, because your armour _is_ different to other clones’. Your face isn’t.

 **Woof:** Unless you screwed up your hair like Gree did

 **Bacon Greese:** Go fuck yourself.

 **Woof:** Fuck me yourself you coward

 **Bacon Greese:** _@Blyzzard_ Same goes for General Unduli. 

**Bacon Greese:** She could tell Right and Left apart, and I swear that even _they_ get confused as to which is which from time to time.

 **Woof:** How

 **Baby:** Are they stupid?

 **Bacon Greese:** Very much.

 **Bacon Greese:** Good soldiers, but not very bright.

 **Bacon Greese:** I think there was a leak to their pods.

 **Bacon Greese:** It would go a _long_ way explaining them, actually.

 **CC-4477:** General Yoda told us at Rugosa about each of us clones having different “force signatures” or something like that.

 **CC-4477:** That’s how they tell us apart even with our buckets.

 **Baby:** Weird Ass Force Bullshit.

 **Blyzzard:** THIRE

 **Blyzzard:** YOU’RE ALIVE

 **CC-4477:** ‘Sup.

 **[** ** _CC-4477_ ** **has changed their nametag to** ** _Thired of the Senate’s Bullshit_ ****]**

 **Blyzzard:** I feel so vindicated.

 **Woof:** Shut up Bly

 **Thired of the Senate’s Bullshit:** Finally got around to checking the bajillions of notifications.

 **Thired of the Senate’s Bullshit:** And well, I read “Bullying Fox Hours” and I just knew I had to be a part of this.

 **Commander Badass:** Good to have you on board, Thire.

 **Woof:** Yeah

 **Woof:** Fox isn’t going to bully himself

 **Blyzzard:** GUYS

 **Blyzzard:** So if Jedi can tell clones apart even when wearing their buckets why does General Secura insist on seeing my face?

 **Blyzzard:** Is my Jedi a weirdo?

 **Woof:** She’s into you dude

 **Blyzzard:** Oh, she’s _so_ not into me.

 **Woof:** Wow, Bly, if I didn’t know you, I’d almost say that you sound _sad_ that she isn’t!

 **Blyzzard:** We’re just friends!

 **Woof:** That’s exactly the problem isn’t it?

 **Blyzzard:** I will feed you to the wolves.

 **Woof:** I _am_ the wolves

 **Woof:** Try me, bitch

 **Little Bitch:** At least your Generals call you by your names.

 **Little Bitch:** At this point I’m sure that the Chancellor is either senile or a prick, because he keeps calling me “red dude”.

 **Woof:** At least he isn’t calling you by your holotext handle lol

 **Little Bitch:** What?

 **Little Bitch:** Oh, right.

 **[** ** _Little Bitch_ ** **changed their nametag to** ** _Fox_ ]**

 **Fox:** Much better.

 **[** ** _Woof_ ** **changed** **_Fox’_ ** **s nametag to** ** _A Foxy Lady_ ]**

 **A Foxy Lady:** Sigh.

 **A Foxy Lady:** Fuck it.

 **A Foxy Lady:** I know you lot can do so much worse, so I’ll take it.

 **A Foxy Lady:** Like a man.

 **Thired of the Senate’s Bullshit:** He’s opening a wine bottle while he’s holding back tears.

 **Thired of the Senate’s Bullshit sent an image:** [File-1763498.png]

 **Woof:** LMAO

 **Blyzzard:** lol

 **A Foxy Lady:** delete this

 **Baby:** tfw Skywalker comes up with a plan

 **Commander Badass:** And yet you keep hanging out with him.

 **Woof:** :o

 **Baby:** Oh, don’t get me wrong, Skywalker’s a solid dude.

 **Baby:** But he’s also completely fucking nuts and I don’t want to die thanks to one of his insane half-assed """plans""".

 **Commander Badass:** Good, because he’s getting promoted when we go back to Coruscant once we’re done here at Rhen Var. 

**Commander Badass:** “Knighted”. Whatever.

 **Commander Badass:** He’ll get his very own legion and shit.

 **Commander Badass:** The 501st.

 **Commander Badass:** They’ll be a splinter of the 212th at first but they’ll grow.

 **Baby:** Oh man.

 **Baby:** F on the chat for whatever poor soul gets stuck with him.

 **Baby:** Who’s the dead man, by the way?

 **[** ** _Commander Badass_ ** **has changed** **_Baby_ ** **’s nametag to** ** _Dead Man_** **]**

 **Dead Man:** …

 **Dead Man:** OH FUCK

 **Blyzzard:** F

 **Woof:** F

 **Dead Man:** GUYS THIS ISNT FUNNY

 **Thired by the Senate’s Bullshit:** F

 **A Foxy Lady:** F

 **Bacon Greese:** F

 **Dead Man:** GUYS

 **Commander Badass:** F

 **Big Fish In a Small Pond:** F

 **Rock & Roll:** F

 **Hammer of the Gods:** F

 **Dead Man:** Awful. You’re all awful.

* * *

**[Private channel between _Blue_ and _SandHater_ ]**

**Blue:** so

 **SandHater:** so?

 **Blue:** got an hypothetical question for you

 **Blue:** if you were considering to start an illicit romantic relationship with another person with which you have a healthy working relationship, going against the very code of conduct you have sworn to uphold your entire life, breaking not only countless rules and regulations but turn upside down the entire chain of command in the process, veering into ambiguously moral territory because of the abuse-of-power implications behind of your respective places in said chain of command, all the while putting both of your careers, if not outright lives, at stake should word of it ever get out

 **Blue:** how would you go about it

 **SandHater:** what

 **Blue:** asking for a friend

 **SandHater:** aayla

 **SandHater:** why would ur friend even have this problem at all

 **Blue:** they dont

 **Blue:** its an hypothetical question

 **SandHater:** …

 **SandHater:** right

 **SandHater:** better question

 **SandHater:** why are u asking ME

 **Blue:** well i thought that if anyones going to know how to best break the code it would be you

 **SandHater:** i feel attacked

 **Blue:** its the truth

 **SandHater:** i know it is

 **SandHater:** i still feel attacked

 **SandHater:** uhhhhhh

 **SandHater:** this is all hypothetical right?

 **SandHater:** im not putting my future knighthood at risk by answering this?

 **SandHater:** cuz master obiwan just told me im getting knighted when i get back to coruscant and i dont want to fuck it up

 **Blue:** ye

 **Blue:** its just you and me

 **Blue:** you can trust me buddy

 **SandHater:** well

 **SandHater:** if i WERE in the situation u propose

 **SandHater:** (which i would never)

 **Blue:** (of course not)

 **SandHater:** (that would be insane)

 **Blue:** (totally insane)

 **SandHater:** id think what would master windu do in that situation

 **SandHater:** and then just do the exact opposite thing

 **Blue:** lol

 **Blue:** thanks anakin

 **SandHater:** no prob

 **Blue:** dex to celebrate your knighting?

 **SandHater:** fuck yeah

 **SandHater:** lemme gtfo of rhen var first tho

 **SandHater:** and u know

 **SandHater:** GET knighted?

* * *

**[ _Bullying Fox Hours_ ]**

**[ _Blyzzard_** **has changed their nametag to** ** _Mr. Secura_** **]**

 **Woof:** BULLSHIT

 **Woof:** NO WAY

 **Mr. Secura:** yes way

 **A Foxy Lady:** Usually I’d say this goes against regulations _and_ the Jedi Code.

 **A Foxy Lady:** But I'm three hundred and forty three forged signatures in and I quite frankly have run out of fucks to give.

 **A Foxy Lady:** So congrats Bly.

 **Mr. Secura:** guys having sex is the best thing ever

 **Commander Badass:** God I wish that was me.

 **Woof:** Don’t we all?

 **Bacon Greese:** +1

 **Big Fish In a Small Pond:** +2

 **Dead Man:** We’re an army of cloned space virgins for fuck’s sake

 **Mr. Secura:** You’re*

 **Woof:** Yeah, sure, rub it in, huh?

 **Mr. Secura:** What is that?

 **Mr. Secura:** I’m sorry Wolffe I can’t hear you over the sound of your virginity.

 **[** ** _Woof_ ** **has kicked** **_Mr. Secura_ ** **from the channel]**

 **Woof:** I’ll add him back in a couple of hours

 **Woof:** Once he learns his lesson

 **Dead** **Man:** Said lesson being...?

 **Woof:** idk

 **Woof:** I'll come up with something

* * *

**[ _Knight Skywalker_ has created the group _The Team_ ]**

**[ _Knight Skywalker_** **has added** **_Master Kenobi, Commander Badass, Dead Man_ ** **]**

**[There is currently no set topic]**

**[** ** _Knight Skywalker_ ** **has changed the comm’s topic to** ** _ROCK & ROLL MOTHERFUCKERSSSS!_ ****]**

 **Master Kenobi:** Anakin. Language.

 **Knight Skywalker:** im a knight now i do what i want

 **Master Kenobi:** That’s not how it works.

 **Knight Skywalker:** well it should

 **Knight Skywalker:** also why is rex called “dead man”?

 **Commander Badass:** Inside joke, sir.

 **[** **_Dead Man_ ** **has changed their nametag to** **_Captain Cool_ ** **]**

 **Knight Skywalker:** tight

 **Knight Skywalker:** so master where are we going next?

 **Master Kenobi:** Christophsis.

 **Knight Skywalker:** never heard of it

 **Master Kenobi:** No surprises there.

 **Master Kenobi:** The Separatists laid siege to it weeks ago. Senator Organa led a relief force, but now they’re trapped.

 **Knight Skywalker:** so its our job to save the day?

 **Master Kenobi:** When is it not?

 **Commander Badass:** I’ll get the troops ready, sir.

 **Knight Skywalker:** rex

 **Knight Skywalker:** get the boys on the road

 **Knight Skywalker:** time to show those droids what the 501st is capable of

 **Captain Cool:** Yes, sir.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aayla Secura was Quinlan Vos' former padawan. Quinlan Vos, meanwhile, was pretty much Obi-Wan's BFF when they were younglings, so I guess it makes sense that Aayla and Anakin are buddies.


	2. Ahsoka Joins The Chat

**[ _The Team_ ]**

**[** ** _Master Kenobi_ ** **has added** **_Padawan Tano_ ** **]**

 **Knight Skywalker:** uhm what

 **[** ** _Master Kenobi_ ** **has changed** **_Knight Skywalker_ ** **’s nametag to** **_Master Skywalker_ ** **]**

 **Master Skywalker:** WHAT

 **Master Kenobi:** Have fun with your new Padawan, Anakin.

 **Master Kenobi:** Try to not get her killed.

 **Padawan Tano:** hi :D

 **Master Skywalker:** WAIT WAIT WAIT

 **Master Skywalker:** ARE U TELLING ME IM A MASTER NOW????

 **Master Skywalker:** THIS IS SO AWESOME!!!!!!

 **Master Skywalker:** IS IT CUZ IM THE CHOSEN ONE????

 **Master Skywalker:** DOES THIS MEAN THE COUNCIL FINALLY APPROVE OF ME AND APPRECIATE MY SKILLS????

 **Master Skywalker:** WILL MASTER WINDU FINALLY STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE I JUST TOOK A GIANT CRAP ON HIS CAF????

 **Master Skywalker:** :D!!!!!!!!!

 **Master Kenobi:** From a certain point of view.

 **Master Kenobi:** You have a Padawan, but you’re still a Knight.

 **Master** **Kenobi:** So really, you're a master, not a Master.

 **Master Skywalker:** oh

 **Master Skywalker:** well this is some fucking bullshit

 **Master Skywalker:** >:(

 **Master Kenobi:** Anakin.

 **Master Kenobi:** We knighted you like _one_ month ago.

 **Master Kenobi:** You are one of the most talented and skilled Jedi in recent history.

 **Master Kenobi:** And you might as well be the Chosen One to bring balance to the Force.

 **Master Kenobi:** But you're also _twenty years old_. I was still a padawan when I was twenty five!

 **Master Kenobi:** You WILL become a Master one day. And you will be a great Master.

 **Master Kenobi:** But you have to be patient.

 **Master Skywalker:** ...

 **Master Skywalker:** i guess...

 **Master Skywalker:** so instead of being a kickass jedi master, im only a master in all the sucky ways

 **Master Kenobi:** Oh, don’t be like that.

 **Master Kenobi:** There’s so much joy to be found in teaching the future generations!

 **Master Skywalker:** joy huh

 **Master Skywalker:** is that what they call crippling alcoholism now?

 **Padawan Tano:** are u done talking like im not here?

 **Padawan Tano:** :/

 **Master Kenobi:** Yes, Ahsoka, I’m sorry.

 **Master Skywalker:** no

 **Master Skywalker:** were not

 **Master Kenobi:** Anakin don’t be rude to your Padawan.

 **Master Skywalker:** i never asked for a padawan in the first place!

 **Padawan Tano:** hey!

 **Master Skywalker:** is she even old enough to be a padawan?

 **Master Skywalker:** she’s like 6!

 **Padawan Tano:** 14!

 **Master Skywalker:** same thing!

 **Master Kenobi:** May I remind you, Anakin, that you were my Padawan at 10?

 **Master Skywalker:** that was different

 **Master Skywalker:** im the chosen one

 **Padawan Tano:** wow ego much

 **Master Skywalker:** shut up u

 **Master Skywalker:** grown ups are talking

 **Padawan Tano:** no i dont think i will

 **Padawan Tano:** skyguy

 **Master Skywalker:** skyguy?

 **Master Skywalker:** SKYGUY???

 **Captain Cool:** lol

 **Master Skywalker:** _@Captain Cool_ STFU

 **Master Skywalker:** _@Padawan Tano_ wow u snippy

 **Master Skywalker:** snippity snips

 **[** ** _Padawan Tano_ ** **has changed their nametag to** **_Snippity Snips_ ** **]**

 **Snippity Snips:** and proud of it

 **Snippity Snips:** at least im not stupid

 **Master Skywalker:** i dont like ur attitude

 **Snippity Snips:** i dont like ur face

 **Master Skywalker:** i dont like UR face

 **Snippity Snips:** i dont like ur hair

 **Master Skywalker:** NO ONE INSULTS MY HAIR

 **Master Skywalker:** AS SOON AS WERE DONE HERE IM TAKING U BACK TO THE TEMPLE YOUNG ONE

 **Snippity Snips:** :(

 **Master Skywalker:** oh shit she has puppy eyes

 **Snippity Snips:** :(!

 **Master Skywalker:** rex help

 **Captain Cool:** There’s nothing I can do, sir.

 **Captain Cool:** She’s too cute.

 **Snippity Snips:** :(!!

 **Master Skywalker:** oh god i cant breathe

 **Snippity Snips:** :’(!!!

 **Master Skywalker:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 **Master Skywalker:** fine

 **Master Skywalker:** welcome onboard padawan

 **Snippity Snips:** :D

 **Master Skywalker:** i hope u enjoying urself master

 **Master Kenobi:** Yes.

 **Master Kenobi:** Yes, I am.

 **Master Kenobi:** Very much.

 **Master Skywalker:** got any encouraging words of advice at least?

 **Master Kenobi:** Welcome to hell, Anakin.

 **Master Kenobi:** It only gets worse from here.

* * *

**[ _Bullying Fox Hours_ ]**

**Captain Cool:** WHOSE BRIGHT IDEA WAS IT TO GIVE SKYWALKER A 14 YEAR OLD PADAWAN

 **Captain Cool:** I’M GOING TO PUNCH SOMEONE

 **Captain Cool:** FOX

 **Captain Cool:** PREPARE YOUR FACE

 **Foxward:** What did I do?!

 **Captain Cool:** NOTHING BUT THERE’S NO VOD REPRESENTING THE JEDI COUNCIL SO I WILL SETTLE FOR PUNCHING YOU

 **Foxward:** :(

 **Feral:** HAHAHAHAHA

 **Mr. Secura:** lol sucks to be you Fox

 **Foxward:** It does.

 **Foxward:** It really does.

 **Captain Cool:** AND OF COURSE NOW I’M THE ONE WHO HAS TO LOOK AFTER TWO INSANE JEDIS

 **Captain Cool:** WHO SEEM TO REALLY GET OFF OFF MY MISERY

 **Captain Cool:** _@Commander Badass_ WHAT DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS????

 **Commander Badass:** For the first time when it comes to your misfortunes, this isn’t my fault.

 **Captain Cool:** WAIT NO

 **Captain Cool:** NOW SKYWALKER LEFT BABY JEDI WITH ME

 **Captain Cool:** THEY DIDN’T TEACH ME HOW TO BABYSIT

 **Captain Cool:** THIS IS AWFUL

 **Mr. Secura:** Wow Rex

 **Mr. Secura:** You’re really losing your cool right now

 **Captain Cool:** BLY I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR PUNS

 **Captain Cool:** WHAT DO I DO

 **Captain Cool:** HELP

 **Bacon Greese:** Have you tried smearing food in your nipples and make her lactate?

 **Feral:** What the honest fuck Gree

 **Mr. Secura:** I’m noping the fuck out of this conversation.

 **Foxward:** I’ll need some bleach to erase that mental image.

 **Foxward:** brb

 **Captain Cool:** WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK

 **Bacon Greese:** Some species do that to nurture a bond between guardian and ward!

 **Captain Cool:** GREE GET YOUR WEIRD ALIEN FETISHES THE FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT

 **Thired of the Senate’s Bullshit:** Fox is actually doing it guys

 **Thired of the Senate’s Bullshit:** He’s going for the bleach

 **Thired of the Senate’s Bullshit:** Should I stop him or record him?

 **Thired of the Senate’s Bullshit:** _@Everyone_

 **Commander Badass:** Record him

 **Feral:** Record

 **Bacon Greese:** +1

 **Hammer of the Gods:** do it

 **Rock & Roll: **ABSOLUTELY RECORD IT

 **Mr. Secura:** Is that even a question?

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** Record and upload it on the holonet

 **Thired of the Senate’s Bullshit:** Roger roger

 **Captain Cool:** GUYS I NEED HELP HERE

 **Captain Cool:** SHE’S LOOKING AT ME EXPECTANTLY

 **Captain Cool:** WHAT DO I DO????

 **Feral:** Have you tried playing dead?

 **Mr. Secura:** Or seduce her with your pelvic sorcery?

 **Feral:** What

 **Mr. Secura:** I mean, worked for me.

 **Feral:** She’s like 12 dude what the fuck

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** Technically so are we.

 **Commander Badass:** Rex.

 **Commander Badass:** I can’t believe I’m saying this.

 **Commander Badass:** But _don’t_ seduce Commander Tano with your pelvic sorcery.

 **Feral:** Wait, so he _could_ seduce her by other ways?

 **Rock & Roll: **Good point.

 **Commander Badass:** On second thought, just don't seduce her.

 **Commander Badass:** At _all._

 **Commander Badass:** Period.

 **Commander Badass:** That's an order.

 **Captain Cool:** I’M NOT PLANNING TO

 **Captain Cool:** SHE’S A LITTLE BABY

 **Captain Cool:** A LITTLE BABY THAT IS ONLY WEARING A TUBE TOP

 **Captain Cool:** WHAT THE FUCK

 **Captain Cool:** SHE COULD GET HURT

 **Mr. Secura:** Women’s fashion is weird like that.

 **Captain Cool:** CLANKERS AND SHRAPNEL AND DEBRIS AND JAYWALKERS DON’T CARE FOR FASHION

 **Feral:** Get some armour from the barracks, jeez

 **Captain Cool:** GOOD CALL

 **Captain Cool:** OH GOD WE DON’T HAVE ARMOUR HER SIZE

 **Feral:** Bah, she’ll grow, right?

 **Captain Cool:** OH SHIT YOU’RE RIGHT

 **Captain Cool:** OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT

 **Captain Cool:** DO JEDI GO THROUGH PUBERTY AND HORMONES AND SHIT????

 **Feral:** HAHAHAHAHA

 **Commander Badass:** I mean, I hope so?

 **Captain Cool:** OH GOD WHAT IF SHE STARTS USING THE FORCE DUE TO HORMONAL INCONTINENCE???

 **Bacon Greese:** As far as I know, force sensitivity has no relation to puberty.

 **Bacon Greese:** Best I can offer you is that a couple species _don’t_ go through puberty… But that would be limited to, like, plantoids, fungoids and the sort.

 **Bacon Greese:** What species is she?

 **Captain Cool:** TOGRUTA

 **Bacon Greese:** LMAO YOU’RE SO FUCKED

 **Bacon Greese:** THEY GET BORDERLINE FERAL WHEN THEY’RE ON THEIR MATING CYCLE

 **Captain Cool:** MATING CYCLE????

 **Captain Cool:** HOLY SHIT I CAN’T DO THIS

 **Captain Cool:** OH GOD I CAN’T BREATHE

 **Captain Cool:** GUYS I CAN’T BREATHE

 **Commander Badass:** Rex, take a chill pill.

 **Captain Cool:** CODY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY

 **Captain Cool:** HOW CAN YOU BE SO CALM

 **Captain Cool:** HOW CAN YOU ASK ME TO RELAX

 **Captain Cool:** BABY JEDI WILL GO THROUGH PUBERTY SOON AND GET FERAL WHEN SHE’S ON HEAT

 **Commander Badass:** That sounds like a _you_ problem.

 **Captain Cool:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 **Bacon Greese:** F in the chat for Rex.

 **Thired of the Senate’s Bullshit sent a video:** [file-8201836.mp4]

 **Thired of the Senate’s Bullshit:** And for Fox.

 **Feral:** He actually did it the absolute madman

 **Captain Cool:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 **Big Fish In a Small Pond:** Tell me you uploaded it to the holonet

 **Bacon Greese:** F

 **Thired of the Senate’s Bullshit:** aaaaaaaaaand done

 **Captain Cool:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 **Commander Badass:** F

 **Big Fish In a Small Pond:** Thire I love you so much can I invite you to a fancy date

 **Thire of the Senate’s Bullshit:** As long as you pay, sure.

 **Feral:** F

 **Captain Cool:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 **Mr. Secura:** F

 **Big Fish In a Small Pond:** I’ll charge it up to General Windu’s credit card.

 **Thired of the Senate’s Bullshit:** Sounds like a plan then

 **Captain Cool:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 **Rock & Roll:** F

 **Thired of the Senate’s Bullshit:** F

 **Big Fish In a Small Pond:** F

 **Captain Cool:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 **Hammer of the Gods:** F

 **Mr. Secura:** Man, this is the seventh time we’ve done a collective F for Rex in like a week

 **Commander Badass:** That’s because his life sucks.

 **Captain Cool:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

* * *

**[Private channel between _Snippity Snips_ and _Master Skywalker_ ]**

**Snippity Snips:** uhhh

 **Snippity Snips:** master skywalker???

 **Master Skywalker:** what do u want

 **Snippity Snips:** i think ur captain just had a stroke or something

 **Snippity Snips:** please help

 **Master Skywalker:** ffs

 **Master Skywalker:** what did u do

 **Snippity Snips:** nothing!!!

 **Snippity Snips:** i swear!

 **Master Skywalker:** i literally JUST left u guys

 **Master Skywalker:** and u already killed rex

 **Master Skywalker:** fucking amazing

 **Master Skywalker:** i can already tell this is gonna suck

 **Snippity Snips:** >:’(

* * *

**[Bullying Fox Hours ]**

**Captain Cool:** I can't believe I'm going to get killed trying to save a fucking Hutt

 **Mr. Secura:** Well, with that attitude I won't be surprised

 **Captain Cool:** We have to do a vertical assault up a cliff

 **Captain Cool:** Up a FUCKING CLIFF

 **Mr. Secura:** Ah well

 **Mr. Secura:** Understandable

 **Feral:** F

 **Bacon Greese:** Isn't that like, a job for Bacara and his boys?

 **Bacon Greese:** You should text him

 **Bacon Greese:** Maybe he can help

 **Captain Cool:** He left me on read

 **Mr. Secura:** LOL

 **Feral:** Bacara is so dependable

 **Captain Cool:** Wolffe this is like the opposite of dependable

 **Feral:** You can always depend on him to flip you off when you need him

 **Captain Cool:** I'd laugh if it wasn't so painfully true

 **Captain Cool:** You know

 **Captain Cool:** the worst part isn't climbing the cliff

 **Captain Cool:** That's just like the simulations

 **Captain Cool:** It's what happens when I get there

 **Bacon Greese:** ?

 **Commander Badass:** Oh, don't start.

 **Captain Cool:** SKYWALKER KEEPS YEETING ME OFF THE FUCKING CLIFFS

 **Commander Badass:** You're overreacting.

 **Captain Cool:** HOW IS THIS OVERREACTING???

 **Captain Cool:** YOU SAW HOW HIGH UP THIS FUCKING MONASTERY IS???

 **Captain** **Cool:** IF HE DOES IT AGAIN I'M DEAD

 **Captain Cool:** DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD

 **Commander Badass:** You know, at this rate I'm actually thinking of _asking_ Skywalker to do it.

 **Captain Cool:** >:(

* * *

**[Private channel between _Master Kenobi_ and _Master Skywalker_ ]**

**Master Kenobi:** Anakin, I'm sorry.

 **Master Skywalker:** master?

 **Master Skywalker:** is something wrong??

 **Master Skywalker:** are u okay???

 **Master** **Kenobi:** I'm so sorry...

 **Master Skywalker:** MASTER????

 **Master Skywalker:** ANSWER ME

 **Master** **Skywalker:** OBI WAN

 **Master Skywalker:** IM STARTING TO FREAK OUT OVER HERE

 **Master Kenobi:** That I keep snorting a laugh whenever I see """Master""" Skywalker on my holopad.

 **Master Skywalker:** ...

 **Master Skywalker:** is that it

 **Master Skywalker:** are u fucking kidding me

 **Master Kenobi:** Well, that, and the fact that I'm sorry that I ever mocked you for your hatred of sand.

 **Master Kenobi:** The damn thing really gets everywhere.

 **Master Kenobi:** I've barely walked in and out of Jabba's palace and already got sand in my knickers for God's sake.

 **Master Kenobi:** Anakin.

 **Master Kenobi:** You know I can feel you through our Force Bond, right?

 **Master Kenobi:** I know you just threw a tantrum.

 **Master Skywalker:** go fuck urself

 **Master Kenobi:** No, I don't think I will.

 **Master Skywalker:** so the negotiations with fatso mcfuckface went well?

 **Master Kenobi:** Not exactly.

 **Master Kenobi:** I'll call you to tell you the details.

 **Master Skywalker:** k

* * *

**[ _Bullying Fox Hours_ ]**

**Captain Cool:** You know guys

 **Captain Cool:** Baby Jedi is actually pretty awesome

 **Commander Badass:** I’d like to see you say that when she’s on Heat.

 **Captain Cool:** OH FUCK I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT THAT

 **Captain Cool:** WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT

 **Captain Cool:** GOD CODY I FUCKING HATE YOU

* * *

**[Private channel between _Captain Cool_ and _Commander Badass_ ]**

**Captain Cool:** Cody

 **Captain Cool:** Cody

 **Captain Cool:** Cody

 **Captain Cool:** Cody

 **Captain Cool:** Cody

 **Captain Cool:** Cody

 **Captain Cool:** Cody

 **Commander Badass:** God, what do you want?

 **Captain Cool:** I kinda need your help right now

 **Commander Badass:** Fuck off.

 **Commander Badass:** I already told you that Baby Jedi is your problem, Heat included.

 **Captain Cool:** What

 **Captain Cool:** No

 **Captain Cool:** Its an emergency

 **Commander Badass:** What, is she _already_ on heat?

 **Commander Badass:** Because if that's the case you're fucked.

 **Commander Badass:** (Literally)

 **Captain Cool:** No dude

 **Captain Cool:** Like I LITERALLY need help

 **Captain Cool:** Im trapped in the monastery in Teth, almost all of my men are dead, and Ventress is here

 **Commander Badass:** ... Oh.

 **Commander Badass:** Well that's a completely different thing.

 **Commander Badass:** Hang onto your bucket, we're coming in.

* * *

**[Private channel between _Snippity Snips_ and _Master Kenobi_ ]**

**Snippity Snips:** master kenobi

 **Snippity Snips:** im sorry to bother u

 **Snippity Snips:** but master skyguy sucks

 **Master Kenobi:** Yes.

 **Master Kenobi:** Yes he does.

 **Snippity Snips:** how am i supposed to be his padawan??

 **Snippity** **Snips:** he just never seems to be happy with whatever i do

 **Snippity Snips:** hes so mean

 **Snippity Snips:** he keeps lashing out at me at stinky at everyone

 **Snippity Snips:** what am i doing wrong??? :(

 **Snippity Snips:** i wish u were my master

 **Master Kenobi:** Don’t worry, Ahsoka. It’s not your fault.

 **Master Kenobi:** The first days as a new padawan can be very scary. The same goes for the first days as a new master, especially when you're not prepared. Trust me, I know.

 **Master Kenobi:** Anakin is a good man, but he’s very much out of his comfort zone at the moment, and he was never good at dealing with his issues.

 **Master** **Kenobi:** I know for a fact he cares about you. 

**Snippity Snips:** i find that hard to believe

 **Master Kenobi:** He does.

 **Master Kenobi:** In fact, Anakin's problem is that he cares _too_ _much_.

 **Master Kenobi:** And when he does, he gets just too… _confused_ to know what to do.

 **Master** **Kenobi:** Plus, he was just knighted. Taking a Padawan under his wing was probably the last thing he expected.

 **Master Kenobi:** Give him a couple of days to adapt. I _know_ you two are actually a perfect match to each other.

 **Master Kenobi:** Anakin is better suited for your needs, Ahsoka.

 **Master Kenobi:** You’re in good hands.

 **Snippity Snips:** thanks master kenobi

 **Snippity** **Snips:** i

 **Snippity Snips:** really needed that

 **Snippity Snips:** :)

 **Master Kenobi:** Any time, Ahsoka.

* * *

**[ _Bullying Fox Hours_ ]**

**Foxward:** GUYS I FINALLY DID SOMETHING COOL

 **Foxward:** I RESCUED SENATOR AMIDALA

 **Foxward:** AND CAPTURED ZIRO THE HUTT

 **Foxward:** IT WAS SO AWESOME

 **Feral:** who

 **Foxward:**... Ziro the Hutt? Jabba the Hutt's uncle/aunt/something?

 **Feral:** cares

 **Mr. Secura:** rofl

 **Bacon Greese:** hahaha

 **Rock & Roll:** pwned

 **Foxward:** You guys suck.

 **Foxward:** I do something cool for once and you don't even let me enjoy it for five minutes.

 **Mr. Secura:** I mean, have you read the group's name?

 **Feral:** Yeah

 **Feral:** So when you think about it, it's really your fault for thinking we give a fuck

 **Foxward:** See if I bail you out of prison, ungrateful little shits.

* * *

**[ _The Team_ ]**

**[** ** _Master Skywalker_ ** **has changed their nametag to** **_Master Skyguy_ ** **]**

 **Master Kenobi:** I take it your partnership was a success?

 **Master Skyguy:** stfu

* * *

**[Private channel between _Master Kenobi_ and _Master Skyguy_ ]**

**Master Kenobi:** I am _so_ not shutting up.

 **Master Kenobi:** But I respect the fact that you have a “tough guy” reputation to maintain with the rest of The Team.

 **Master Kenobi:** So I’ll keep it between us.

 **Master Kenobi:** How is it going?

 **Master Skyguy:** ive just had ahsoka for a couple of days but i know for a fact that if anything were to happen to her ill murder everything in the galaxy then kill myself

 **Master Kenobi:** Oh, lovely.

 **Master Kenobi:** This is going to be the start of something truly wonderful, I can tell already.

* * *

**[Private channel between _Snippity Snips_ and _Captain Cool_ ]**

**Snippity Snips:** hey captain

 **Snippity Snips:** u okay??

 **Captain Cool:** Of course I am, Commander.

 **Captain Cool:** If I may, why do you ask?

 **Snippity Snips:** well i mean we did leave u alone on teth against baldy mcevil

 **Captain Cool:** Pfff, nothing I haven’t faced before, sir.

 **Captain Cool:** How do you think the General got his scar in the eye?

 **Snippity Snips:** :o

 **Snippity Snips:** sorry for abandoning u

 **Snippity Snips:** but stinky was going to die if we didnt leave immediately

 **Captain Cool:** There’s nothing to forgive, Commander.

 **Captain Cool:** The mission always comes first.

 **Captain Cool:** Don’t worry about me or the men.

 **Snippity Snips:** about that

 **Snippity Snips:** are u alright?

 **Captain Cool:** … Yes?

 **Captain Cool:** Didn’t you just ask me that, sir?

 **Snippity Snips:** yes

 **Snippity Snips:** but i got distracted with the teth thing

 **Captain Cool:** Wait, you weren’t asking about Teth?

 **Snippity Snips:** no

 **Snippity Snips:** i was really worried for the stroke u had back on christophsis

 **Captain Cool:** Stroke?

 **Snippity Snips:** yeah

 **Snippity Snips:** when master skyguy left me alone with u

 **Snippity Snips:** and we went to the armoury

 **Snippity Snips:** and then u kind of died lol

 **Snippity Snips:** hello?

 **Snippity Snips:** captain?

 **Snippity Snips:** rex?

 **Snippity Snips:** rextangle?

 **Snippity Snips:** u didnt die on me again did u

 **Snippity Snips:** …

 **Snippity Snips:** fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it makes utterly zero sense for Ahsoka's introduction to be done through chat instead of in person, but it was funnier that way so


	3. The Plague

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short one, mostly because most of the content we've made comes later than early season 1. However, that's not to say this one is a throwaway, because it's more experimental in format, style and tone than the others, which were pure and undiluted chatfic crack. You'll see what I mean >:)

**[ _Bullying Fox Hour_ _s_ ]**

**[** ** _Feral_ ** **changed the comm’s name to** **_The Bois_ ** **]**

 **Foxward:** Holy shit

 **Foxward:** DOES THIS MEAN I’M FREE?????

 **Feral:** lmao no

 **Foxward:** But…

 **Foxward:** It’s no longer bullying Fox hours :(

 **Feral:** Every hour is bullying Fox hour baby

 **Feral:** Everybody knows that

 **Feral:** It just got old as a group name

 **[Feral has changed the comm’s topic to “** ** _It’s Bully Fox O’Clock!_ ** **”]**

 **Foxward:** I hate you.

 **Foxward:** I hate you so much.

* * *

**[Private channel between _Master Skyguy_ and _Master Kenobi_ ]**

**Master Skyguy:** check this out

 **Master Skyguy has sent a video:** [[video-9101726.mp4] ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvxCU_lQwKM)

**Master Skyguy:** did u see it

 **Master Skyguy:** did u

 **Master Skyguy:** hey obiwan

 **Master Skyguy:** hey

 **Master Skyguy:** hey

 **Master Skyguy:** hey

 **Master Skyguy:** hey obiwan

 **Master Skyguy:** hey

 **Master Skyguy:** hey obiwan

**Master Kenobi has sent an audio file:**

[Blaster fire. Clones shouting over each other. Explosions in the distance.

“Anakin, what could _possibly_ be so important that it couldn’t wait until I’m back from Muunilinst?!” Obi-Wan’s tired voice cuts through, lightsaber humming and cracking with every bolt deflected. “Whatever it is, I can’t read it right now, so if it’s an emergency, please send me an audio file back!”]

**Master Skyguy has sent an audio file:**

[“It’s a cat video!” Anakin cheerfully answers.]

**Master Kenobi has sent an audio file:**

[“HOLD THE LINE, TROOPERS! HOLD THE LINE!” Cody roars on the background.

“Give me a second,” Obi-Wan’s bemused voice sounds a second later.]

 **Master Skyguy:** k

 **Master Kenobi:** Hahahaha, he’s so cute.

 **Master Kenobi:** He just goes “ _mlem_ ”.

 **Master Kenobi:** I can’t stop replaying it.

 **Master Skyguy:** are u out of battle already master?

 **Master Skyguy:** things didnt sound so good

 **Master Kenobi:** Oh, absolutely not.

 **Master Kenobi:** I took cover behind a rock.

 **Master Kenobi:** Cat videos always come first.

 **Master Skyguy:** absolute legend

 **Master Kenobi:** Wait, hold on, I think Cody just got shot on the leg.

 **Master Kenobi:** Gotta go.

 **Master Skyguy:** good luck!

* * *

**[ _The Bois_ ]**

**Commander Badass:** Rex.

 **Commander Badass:** Please get Skywalker to stop sending General Kenobi cat videos while we’re in battle.

 **Xeno:** lol

 **Mr. Secura:** hahahaha

 **Rextangle:** Cody

 **Rextangle:** There’s no way I can do that

 **Commander Badass:** I GOT SHOT IN THE FUCKING LEG THANKS TO HIM

 **Mr. Secura:** ROFLMAO

 **Feral:** HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 **Rextangle:** Skywalker sends _me_ cat videos while _we_ are in battle

 **Rextangle:** In the middle of it

 **Rextangle:** He just stops on his tracks, pulls out his holopad and sends me a cat video

 **Rextangle:** If he’s willing to do that, REPEATEDLY, there’s no fucking way he’s going to just stop because I asked him to

 **Xeno:** He’s insane

 **Rextangle:** That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you guys for like half a year by now!!!!

 **Rextangle:** He sends me a cat video like every other day

 **Rextangle:** And they’re always different, too!

 **Thired of the Senate’s Bullshit:** Where does he even get so many?

* * *

**[Private channel between _Snippity Snips_ and _Master Skyguy_ ]**

**Snippity Snips:** master

 **Snippity Snips:** check this one out

 **Snippity Snips has sent a video:** [[File-9152837.mp4] ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D-eM3SSsGnU)

**Master Skyguy:** LMAO

 **Master Skyguy:** i need to send this to obiwan right now

 **Snippity Snips:** arent u guys like

 **Snippity Snips:** onboard the malevolence???

 **Master Skyguy:** priorities padawan dearest

 **Master Skyguy:** priorities

 **Snippity Snips:** thats my master

* * *

Bly is filling out the latest casualty report on his holopad when, suddenly, a holotext notification pops up on his screen.

**Mrs. Bly has sent a video.**

Bly shoots a confused look to the relaxing Jedi Knight currently lounging on his couch. Aayla deliberately avoids his gaze, her eyes fixated on her own pad, but he can make out a small grin on her face.

Frowning, and ignoring the part of him that chides him for interrupting his duties for what he suspects is another case of the accursed plague wreaking havoc on their comms, Bly opens their private channel.

 **[Private channel between** **_Mr. Secura_ ** **and** **_Mrs. Bly_ ** **]**

 **Mrs. Bly has sent a video:** [[File-9182012.mp4] ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yX8pZJG3I7M)

He’s keenly aware of how the blue Twi’lek is shooting subtle glances at him while he watches the holovideo with a stony expression.

Once it ends, Bly mutters underneath his breath, “These blasted cat videos are a plague,” as he shakes his head and vehemently tries and fails to convince himself that he didn’t find it even remotely funny or cute.

“What was that?” Aayla asks him innocently, but the sly grin on her face gives her away.

Bly leans his head on his left arm, leveling her an unimpressed look. She’s a Jedi. He _KNOWS_ she heard him perfectly. Just as he knows she could feel through the Force how he felt about the video. The glances she spared were just for her own satisfaction.

“The other commanders are also getting swamped with cat videos.”

“Oh my,” she snorts. “That sounds terrible.”

“We suspect that General Skywalker is behind this,” he states plainly.

“Yeah, he absolutely is,” Aayla shrugs simply, before grinning and waving her holopad at him. “Where do you think I got this one?”

“Wait, you and Skywalker are friends?” Bly blinks. 

(Wait, no, Blynks. _Heh._ )

“Yeah. My former master, Quinlan Vos, is Master Kenobi’s childhood best friend.”

“Huh.” In all honesty, he never would have guessed it.

“Anakin and me are like…” Aayla blanks for a moment. “... cousins…?” she eventually draws out, utterly unconvinced.

Bly raises an unimpressed eyebrow, making her cross her arms and pout. “Hey, I’m a Jedi, it’s not like I have any idea how families work!”

“Don’t look at me like I know any better. I’m a _clone_ ,” Bly retorts dryly. “I didn’t even know there were humans that didn’t look like me until I landed on Geonosis. Imagine my surprise when I learned that women _existed_.”

Aayla laughs, a wonderful sound that warms Bly’s chest. “That explains _so much_ ,” she remarks, a teasing tone to her voice.

He knows that maybe he should feel offended (or at least pretend to, if just to tease her back), but he can’t bring himself to. 

He’s happy.

* * *

**[Private channel between _Rextangle_ and _Commander Badass_ ]**

**Rextangle:** Can we keep them

 **Commander Badass:** Rex.

 **Rextangle:** Please

 **Commander Badass:** Rex. No.

 **Rextangle:** Come on

 **Rextangle:** They’re such good bois!

 **Rextangle:** And they’re so cute too!

 **Commander Badass:** Rex, you can’t adopt every single shiny we come across.

 **Commander Badass:** Besides, I checked their training records, and they kind of, uhm…

 **Commander Badass:** Suck?

 **Rextangle:** So they’re feisty underdogs!

 **Rextangle:** They’ve got grit!

 **Commander Badass:** No.

 **Commander Badass:** It means they can barely shoot straight without killing each other in the process.

 **Commander Badass:** They almost washed out for a reason.

 **Commander Badass:** They were stationed at the Rishi outpost for a reason.

 **Commander Badass:** One of them was named fucking DROIDBAIT for a reason!

 **Rextangle:** But you liked them too!

 **Commander Badass:** Yes, I did! They’re good boys, I agree.

 **Commander Badass:** But they’re not good enough soldiers to _adopt_ them.

 **Commander Badass:** My battalion and your legion are among the most elite units in the whole army.

 **Commander Badass:** We’re the ones they send to do the impossible.

 **Commander** **Badass:** Fives and Echo are simply not skilled or disciplined enough for the 212th or the 501st.

 **Commander Badass:** They'd be walking bucket first into the slaughter.

 **Commander Badass:** Don’t do something you’ll regret, Rex.

 **Rextangle:** Too late

 **Rextangle:** Already transferred them to the 501st

 **Rextangle:** Like, yesterday

 **Commander Badass:** Then why are you asking me this in the first place?!!

 **Rextangle:** Because you’re my best friend

 **Commander Badass:** For some reason, that sounds more like a burden than a compliment.

 **Rextangle:** >:(

 **Rextangle:** I’ll tell Skywalker to double his cat videos to General Kenobi

 **Commander Badass:** Say, Rex old boy, have I mentioned how lovely your hair looks today?

 **Rextangle:** Too little, too late

 **Rextangle has sent an image:** [[file-screenshot0000251.jpg]](https://i.imgur.com/Rn9Xs6S.jpg)

 **Commander Badass:** fuck

* * *

**[ _Rishi Moon Outpost_ ]**

**Fives:** Why?

 **Echo:** ?

 **Fives:** I keep asking myself.

 **Fives:** Why?

 **Fives:** What is the point?

 **Echo:** …?

 **Fives:** What is the point of keeping this channel?

 **Fives:** It’s just the two of us now.

 **Fives:** O’Niner, Sentry, Droidbait, Cutup, Hevy…

 **Fives:** They’re dead.

 **Fives:** They’re all dead but us.

 **Fives:** And now I’m just staring at this screen.

 **Fives:** Waiting for a new holotext to pop up.

 **Echo:** Probably Hevy bitching about Droidbait or something.

 **Echo:** It’s… bizarre, really.

 **Echo:** They’re still here, in this group.

 **Echo:** But they’ll never send another holotext.

 **Fives:** It hurts.

 **Echo:** It really does.

 **Fives:** Reading up our old convos...

 **Fives:** They’re just digital ghosts left behind by dead men.

 **Fives:** By dead brothers.

 **Fives:** Because unlikeable as they could be

 **Fives:** (Especially Hevy)

 **Echo:** (God he was such an ass)

 **Fives:** They were our brothers.

 **Echo:** You asked what was the point of this channel.

 **Echo:** I think I know.

 **Fives:** Yeah?

 **Echo:** Remembrance.

 **Echo:** Ni su’cuyi, gar kyr’adyc, ni partayli, gar darasuum.

 **Fives:** Ni su’cuyi, gar kyr’adyc, ni partayli, gar darasuum.

 **Fives:** I’ll miss them.

 **Echo:** So will I, vod.

 **Echo:** So will I.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Ni su'cuyi, gar kyr'adyc, ni partayli, gar darasuum." - "I'm still alive, but you are dead. I remember you, so you are eternal."  
> Daily remembrance of those passed on, followed by the names of those being remembered.
> 
> Thoughts on the changes in format? We're experimenting here, so every feedback is enormously appreciated!


	4. A Vod's Life is (not) the Life for Me

**[ _The Bois_ ]**

**[** ** _Feral_ ** **has changed their nametag to** **_Captain Eyepatch_ ** **]**

 **Captain Eyepatch has sent an image:** [File-7109283.jpg]

 **Captain Eyepatch:** YARRRRRRRRR IM A PIRATE

 **Captain Eyepatch:** AHOY MATEYS LETS GO GET SOME BOOTY

 **Captain Eyepatch:** THE PIRATES LIFE IS THE LIFE FOR ME

 **Captain Eyepatch:** LOLOLOL AND A BOTTLE OF WIN

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** Uhm what

 **Captain Eyepatch:** FOR THE LOVE OF SHEEV

 **Captain Eyepatch:** ITS THE KRAKEN

 **Captain Eyepatch:** FIRE THE CANNONS

 **Captain Eyepatch:** SEND IT TO DAVY JONES FOOT LOCKER

 **Mr. Secura:** What the fuck are you talking about

 **Xeno:** A kraken is like a water sarlacc

 **Xeno:** I have no idea what a Davy Jones is

 **Xeno:** And a Sheev is senile

 **Foxward:** Can confirm.

 **Mr. Secura:** Sheevnile

 **Captain Eyepatch:** lol

 **Foxward:** OH MY GOD

 **[** ** _Foxward_ ** **has changed their nametag to** **_Sheevnile_ ** **]**

 **Mr. Secura:** :’)

 **Sheevnile:** Don’t get used to it.

 **Sheevnile:** Your puns suck.

 **Mr. Secura:** But but but

 **Mr. Secura:** You liked that one :(

 **Sheevnile:** A broken chrono is right twice a day.

 **Mr. Secura:** I’ll tell Aayla on you

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** GUYS

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** Am I the only one who’s concerned that Wolffe is lacking an eye or what

 **Mr. Secura:** Well I mean

 **Mr. Secura:** He seems happy

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** How did this even happen

 **Captain Eyepatch:** Ventress, lightsaber, eye

 **Captain Eyepatch:** It’s not hyperspace physics, Ponds

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** Ouch

 **Sheevnile:** You’re taking this surprisingly well.

 **Captain Eyepatch:** Well, you know what they say

 **Captain Eyepatch:** if life gives you lemons, fuck her raw straight into oblivion

 **Sheevnile:** Hmmmm no that’s not it.

 **Captain Eyepatch:** Too bad

 **Captain Eyepatch:** Because as soon as I get my new bionic eye I’m going to hunt Ventress down

 **Captain Eyepatch:** And I’ll bite her pasty white ugly face off

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** It’s what you’ve been training for your entire life, Wolffe’ika

 **Sheevnile:** It feels like it was just yesterday the first time he bit my face off.

 **Sheevnile:** They grow up so quickly.

 **Rextangle:** lmao

 **Rextangle:** Really?

 **Mr. Secura:** You thought our buckets are there to protect our heads? 

**Mr. Secura:** Nope

 **Mr. Secura:** They’re there to protect the Galaxy from Wolffe’s jaws

 **Rextangle:** That bad, huh?

 **Sheevnile:** You have no idea just how feral this motherfucker can get when he has a face in his jaws.

 **Rextangle:** By any chance, the fact you never take off your bucket has something to do with that?

 **Sheevnile:** More or less.

 **Sheevnile:** He already got to me, so it’s not there to protect me, if that’s what you’re asking.

 **Sheevnile:** It’s more for decorum.

 **Sheevnile:** He _did_ disfigure me, after all.

 **Captain Eyepatch:** You’re overreacting

 **Sheevnile:** YOU RIPPED OFF MY LEFT NOSTRIL AND MAULED MY CHEEKBONE

 **Sheevnile:** WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK DISFIGURE SOMEONE MEANS

 **Rextangle:** WAIT THAT WAS YOU GUYS????

 **Rextangle:** I THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST A LEGEND

 **Captain Eyepatch:** But did you _die?_

 **Sheevnile:** Considering what my life has become, sometimes I wish I had.

* * *

Another day, another complete fiasco of a Senate session. Not for the first time, Riyo Chuchi finds herself waiting down the seconds until the meeting is adjourned and she can go home. After all, being a junior senator has the benefit of giving her relatively more leisure time than her senior partners, who are always conferring with the Assembly or with other senators.

So what if she spent the closing minutes of the session watching cat videos on her holopad? While they were never out of sight on the holonet, for some strange reason there had been a veritable outbreak of new cat videos flooding the net, and she was _living for it_. Besides, it was not like they were talking anything remotely interesting or indeed important. Something about a bill that allowed senators to skip any and every traffic law on Coruscant with impunity.

 _The Galaxy is being torn apart by war, and this is what we’re concerned about?_ Riyo mused in complete distaste. _Perhaps the CIS_ does _have a point…_

So it is no surprise that she is one of the first out of the doors as soon as the Vice Chair adjourned the session for the day. If she hurries, perhaps she could even catch up on the new episodes of her favourite holodrama before having to turn in for the night.

All of these thoughts, however, fade to nothing as she sees that, standing in between one of several guard spots across the large hallways of the Senate, instead of your average red-clad clone trooper of the Coruscant Guard, was the supreme commander of said corps.

He was not an unusual sight within the Senate’s walls. His armour was not only fairly distinctive, with his crimson visor, pauldrons, vambraces and paint patterns, but his rank meant he often confers with the Chancellor and his office, or finds his presence requested by the senators.

What is unusual, however, is that he is covering for a spot usually held by another trooper, his usual stoic, calm military confidence nowhere to be seen. To Riyo’s eyes, he seems out of place, uncertain, maybe even _lost_.

As she makes her way down the hallway, Riyo finds herself unable to resist approaching the silent clone commander. She doesn't even know why, herself. Perhaps this was what the Jedi meant when they spoke of "following the will of the Force".

“Is everything alright, Commander?” she asks softly once she is close enough.

The commander stiffens, clearly startled at any attention being directed at him. He tilts his helmeted head to the side, appraising her. Riyo feels a small shiver run down her spine, the intimidating Mandalorian-inspired helm making him inscrutable and distant.

“Of course I am, Senator Chuchi,” he eventually answers in a neutral tone, but Riyo isn’t a senator just _because_. True, she might be the youngest of the lot at sixteen, but she is here for a reason. She picks up on the awkwardness and confusion behind his voice, just as she picks up on the unsaid _why would you ask?_

It takes all of her training in etiquette and diplomacy to not frown. 

“Your body language,” Riyo states quietly. “You seem sad.”

The commander stiffens, like a child caught with their hand on the snack jar. He spares subtle glances to the sides before turning back to look down on the petite senator. 

“Why would I be… senator?” This time, neutrality slips away from his voice, leaving bare not only his confusion, but something that truly unsettles Riyo to see in the ever stoic commander of the Coruscant Guard as well: vulnerability. 

His voice said one thing, yet everything else of him screams something else.

And Senator Chuchi has to wonder, why wouldn’t he be sad? Admittedly, she knows very little about the clones, but she knows they are the only thing standing in between the Republic and total annihilation at the hands of Count Dooku and the CIS. She knows they are as literal as the phrase “army of brothers” can get. She knows they are dying thousands at a time on hundreds of battlefronts.

She knows barely anyone at the Senate cares.

She knows they are not considered sentients.

She knows they have no rights.

She knows they’re as good as slaves.

“Why wouldn’t you be?” she says simply, and if the way the commander stirs at her words is any indication, he knows exactly what she was talking about. “What’s your name?” she asks after a seconds’ lull.

The Commander looks incredibly uncomfortable and out of his depth. Suddenly, his helm is no longer intimidating. In fact, it looks almost like a shield for him to hide behind. “My… name, ma’am?”

“Yes. You… You have one, right?”

“CC-one-oh... “ he shakes his head. “Fox. My name is Fox.”

She purposefully ignores the first part. A numerical designation. No different than droids’. “Fox. A pleasure to meet you,” she bows, and after a second hesitation, Fox nods respectfully at her. “I must go now, Fox.” She stifles the urge to place her hand on his arm and give him a reassuring squeeze (not that she would actually squeeze anything, considering the plastoid armour). “Whatever it is that’s keeping you down, I hope you get better.”

The commander nods curtly. “Of course. Wouldn’t want the commander of the Coruscant Guard to be underperforming,” he replies, though more to himself than to her.

Riyo shakes her head. “Of course not. Because no one deserves to feel that way.”

So what if she actually _does_ squeeze the plastoid armour as her goodbye before turning around to leave? Many a senator would chide her for her lack of professionalism and impropriety, but if being a proper senator meant not caring one iota about the soldiers giving their existences on faraway battlefields to uphold their way of life, then she certainly would never want to be one.

“Senator,” the commander calls her out a couple seconds later, voice hesitant and soft, but Riyo hears him all the same. She turns her head, and doesn’t need to see his face to know he’s struggling to find the words for what he wants to say.

“... Why?” he eventually asks. _Why do you care?_ It is not an accusation, but a bewildered question.

“Because you deserve to be happy. Just like everyone else.” And perhaps it’s youthful naïvete, but she knows a little kindness goes a long way. Certainly, he looks like he could use some.

She wouldn’t mind doing that for him.

* * *

**[Private channel between** **_Master Skyguy_ ** **and** **_Admiral Wullf Yularen_ ** **]**

 **Master Skyguy sent a video:** [[File-7194652.mp4]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Le2MGWRa_SE)

 **Admiral Wullf Yularen:** General Skywalker.

 **Admiral Wullf Yularen:** While I do like to think we enjoy a reasonably good working relationship, our private channel is most emphatically NOT for you to spam me with cat videos.

 **Master Skyguy:** but admiral

 **Master Skyguy:** look at him

 **Master Skyguy:** the little one

 **Master Skyguy:** hes so mad

 **Master Skyguy:** hes u

 **Master Skyguy:** hes u when i send u cat videos

 **Admiral Wullf Yularen:** I do not get paid enough for this.

 **[You can’t reply to this conversation.** **Learn More** **]**

“Fuck.”

After a couple of seconds’ brooding, Anakin brightens up as an idea comes to his mind.

* * *

**[Private comm channel between** **_Snippity Snips_ ** **and** **_Admiral Wullf Yularen_ ** **]**

 **Snippity Snips:** admiral

 **Snippity Snips:** look

 **Snippity Snips sent a video:** [[File-7194652.mp4]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Le2MGWRa_SE)

“Please don’t be a cat video, please don’t be a cat video, please don’t be a cat video…” Yularen mutters underneath his breath as his trembling fingers come up to open the file.

It is.

The same one Skywalker had sent him barely a couple minutes ago.

The ever dignified Wullf Yularen promptly smashes his head against the table.

 **Snippity Snips:** its u

* * *

**[ _The Bois_ ]**

**Rextangle:** So

 **Rextangle:** You guys remember Baby Jedi?

 **Captain Eyepatch:** Hard not to

 **Captain Eyepatch:** You had a stroke thanks to her

 **Rextangle:** First off, it was not a stroke, it was a panic attack

 **Rextangle:** And second, that was entirely Gree's fault

 **Xeno:** Ain't my fault you can't handle the truth

 **Commander Badass:** There's a _lot_ of things Rex can't handle.

 **Commander Badass:** Baby Jedi being first and foremost.

 **Rextangle:** ANYWAY

 **Rextangle:** She took on Grievous single-handedly the other day

 **Rextangle:** Quite literally saved my life

 **Mr. Secura:** Damn, nice

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** Baby Jedi got some mad skillz

“Rex! You in there?”

Speak of the devil.

Putting down his holopad by his desk, Rex leans back on his chair as Ahsoka enters his office on the _Resolute_ 's barracks without waiting for him to answer. 

“Yeah, kid, I’m here,” he raises his eyebrows, non-verbally chiding her for her impatience. To her credit, Ahsoka has the decency of looking abashed, even if he doesn’t entirely buy her act. The fidgeting with her pauldron was a bit too much to be natural.

Not for the first time, Rex was glad that his nonstop nagging had bore fruit. Ahsoka had finally relented to his suggestions, and switched her tiny tube top for a maroon sleeveless vest, her blindingly white leggins for dark grey ones, and, following Skywalker and Kenobi’s example, had taken to wearing plastoid pauldrons (with the Jedi Order emblem on them) and vambraces. True, she was not wearing the blacks that go underneath the armour, her orange skin exposed in between the pieces and bared above the elbow, but at least it was an improvement over her frankly ridiculous first outfit.

Regardless of her changed outfit, though, she’s still as tiny and baby faced as ever, and furthermore, somehow the armour makes her look even tinier and more adorable.

Before any of them can say anything, a metallic glint on her utility belt catches his eye. Or rather, the fact that there’s _two_ metallic glints rather than just the usual lone one.

“Is that another lightsaber?” Rex asks, a pit of dread growing on his gut.

“I’m learning to dual wield!” Ahsoka beams at him, but Rex is unable to hide his shudder. The togruta tilts her head to the side, looking at him with unimpressed amusement. “Oh, come on, I know what I’m doing! It’s not like I’m going to mutilate myself by accident!”

“That’s not what I’m worried about,” Rex replies dryly.

“Nor mutilate _you_ or the boys by accident,” Ahsoka pauses, then grins. “Or yeet you off a cliff.”

“If you yeet me off a cliff,” Rex deadpans flatly, “I’m taking you with me. See how you like it then.”

“Race you to the bottom,” Ahsoka crosses her arms as she smirks cockily.

“No, that’s not…” Rex begins, then sighs. Of course she would consider being hurled off a tall place and falling down at terminal speed towards your demise _fun_. She was Skywalker’s apprentice, after all.

Which would go a long way explaining why a little fifteen year old girl would think it a good idea to take on the arch-clanker General Grievous himself, after he had wiped scores of far more skilled and experimented Jedi with ease, or rinsed through his entire squad within seconds and come eerily close of ending him, too.

“In any case, it’s not like I’m going to be using both of the sabers in combat anytime soon,” Ahsoka says, but she sounds mildly disgruntled.

“Finally seen sense, have you?” he snorts.

“In your dreams, Rextangle,” the togruta scoffs, then sighs in exasperation. “Master says I’m still not ready for dual wielding on combat…”

He crosses his arms. “Is he wrong?”

“I’ve been practicing the katas over and over again and I know what I’m doing!” Ahsoka objects vehemently, but he doesn’t buy it.

“Is. He. Wrong?” Rex repeats himself, looking pointedly at Ahsoka. Flushed, she looks away. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

“Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence.”

“Always,” Rex smiles lightly, but at her frustrated scowl, quickly changes tack. “Look, I don’t pretend to know anything about you Jedi or your training or anything, really. But you’ve already come a long way from the tiny youngling that stepped off that shuttle on Christophsis a couple of months ago. Granted, you're still height-challenged,” Ahsoka stuck her tongue at him, “but you _did_ save me from Grievous the other day, and that takes some serious skill.”

“Yeah, I did, didn’t I?” she muses, smugness in her voice. 

That wouldn’t do.

“Don’t get cocky, kid. That clanker has rinsed through far older and more experienced Jedi than you.” Before she could protest, Rex swiftly raises a hand to signal her to stop and let him finish. “I’m not saying your victory on Skytop Station was a fluke or a one-off. Just don’t let it get to your head. I’ve seen far too many shinies excel in their first battle just to get overconfident on the next and get blasted by the first clanker that comes through the door because they got careless.” 

Ahsoka nodded, suddenly sobered at the thought. “I see."

If there was one thing he adored of her was that she never saw them as expendable cannon fodder. She saw them as people. She cared for the boys to an extent no one but themselves had done so before, and just for that, she had won all of their hearts. There was not a single trooper in the 501st who wouldn’t go to hell and back for their Commander, himself included.

Hell, he’d even ask to take point.

“I… I got lucky, really,” Ahsoka admits with certain reluctance. She might have her pride, but isn't above admitting to her mistakes or insufficiencies, unlike a certain General. “If it weren’t for your bombs distracting Grumpy Wires, I would have karked it right there.”

“And if it weren’t for your intervention, General Clanker would have cut me in two, so I’d say we’re even.”

“Cheers for teamwork, eh?” Ahsoka laughs, and Rex can’t help but join her.

“Anyway,” Rex begins once the laughter subsides, “what did you want to talk with me about?”

“Oh! Well, I was coming to tell you about my new lightsaber, but you already spoiled my fun, so now I’ve got nothing,” she shoots a dirty look at him.

“At your service, sir,” Rex smirks.

“Shut up, you,” Ahsoka snaps at him as she walks towards him. “Scoot over.”

Rex's eyes widen. “Sir...?” he begins to ask, then notices her holopad by her hand.

Ahsoka promptly ignores him, excitedly tapping on the holonet browser. Just as she ignores the fact that there's nowhere to scoot over on his rather lackluster chair, so she just goes and sits upon his lap like a little kid with their parent.

He lets out a long-suffering sigh.

Not even being off-comms was enough to save him from the damned cat videos.

Eventually, when Ahsoka has gone through _several_ minutes worth of silly cats doing silly things while she gushes about them to him (and Rex endured them to the best of his capacities. He was more of a dog person, to be honest), she leaves to continue practicing her dual wielding, though not before essentially blackmailing him into joining her for dinner in a couple of hours.

 _Damn that kid. She's going to be the death of me one day_ , Rex muses with undeniable fondness as the door closes behind her. 

Of course, the boys had kept talking on the meantime. Leaning back on his chair and rubbing his coarse chin (a shave was getting slightly overdue), Rex opens the chat and catches up on what had been going on in his absence.

 **Captain Eyepatch:** Yeah

 **Captain Eyepatch:** Buir is always telling us how amazing "Little 'Soka" is

 **Captain Eyepatch:** Little ‘Soka this, Little ‘Soka that

 **Captain Eyepatch:** I'm almost jealous

 **Commander Badass:** Buir?

 **Mr. Secura:** Uhm

 **Mr. Secura:** Hate to be the one to break it to you, Wolffe, but the OG is dead as dicks

 **Mr. Secura:** Ponds’ boss killed him

 **Captain Eyepatch:** I MEANT GENERAL PLO

 **Mr. Secura:** OH MY GOD

 **Commander Badass:** WHAT

 **Sheevnile:** HAHAHAHAHAHA

 **Mr. Secura:** OH MY FUCKING GODDDDDDD

 **Xeno:** GENERAL “PLO”????

 **[** ** _Mr. Secura_ ** **has changed** **_Captain Eyepatch_** **’s nametag to** **_Plo Koon Jr_ ** **]**

 **Plo Koon Jr:** GOD I WISH

 **Xeno:** HAHAJAHJANSJXNZJAZKKAZAQ

 **Mr. Secura:** I’M CRYING

 **Xeno:** IM DYING

 **Hammer Time:** ROFLMAO

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** jajsjajsajsjjss

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** To be fair with General Windu, the OG was trying to kill him

 **Sheevnile:** Why the fuck are you writing “hahaha” like that.

 **Sheevnile:** Are you okay?

 **Sheevnile:** Took a hit to the head?

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** That’s how it’s spelled in General Windu’s homeworld

 **Hammer Time:** Bullshit

 **Hammer Time:** Not even the Hutts butcher words that bad

 **Hammer Time:** And they’re the ones who call shit POODOO

 **Xeno:** _@Big Fish in a Small Pond_ Haruun Kal?

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** Yep

 **Xeno:** His story checks out guys.

 **Mr. Secura:** … so they’re idiots

 **Xeno:** Different dialects of Basic, actually.

 **Xeno:** And given how Haruun Kal is a literal huge “fuck you” to the laws of the universe, it makes sense that their dialect is also a huge “fuck you” to spelling.

 **Plo Koon Jr:** nerd

 **Xeno:** Bite me

 **Plo Koon Jr:** >:)

 **Xeno:** oh god what have i done

 **Xeno:** guys please help me

 **Commander Badass:** You walked right into that one.

 **Hammer Time:** And fight Wolffe? You’re insane

 **Mr. Secura:** I don’t want to end up like Fox

 **Mineral Man:** Nuh-uh

 **Thired of the Senate’s Bullshit:** Ain’t happening

 **Mr. Secura:** And neither does Aayla for that matter

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** I’ll miss you vod

 **Sheevnile:** Of everyone here, I hated you the least.

 **Xeno:** :(

After barely a second of consideration, Rex sends his own message.

 **Rextangle:** F

No one called any attention to the fact that he was more than a fair amount of minutes late to what had started as his own conversation.

* * *

**[Private channel between _Mrs. Bly_ and _Master Skyguy_ ]**

**Mrs. Bly:** bly hates cat videos

 **Master Skyguy:** really????

 **Mrs. Bly:** ye really

 **Master Skyguy:** only a sith hates cat videos

 **Mrs. Bly:** so im going to need you to send me your entire stash

 **Mrs. Bly:** hes going to like them whether he wants to or not

 **Master Skyguy:** the ENTIRE thing?????

 **Mrs. Bly:** desperate times

 **Mrs. Bly:** desperate measures

 **Master Skyguy:** ill send u a couple

 **Mrs. Bly:** works for me

 **Master Skyguy:** u have to use the cruisers storage units tho

 **Mrs. Bly:** why

 **Master Skyguy:** theyre too many

 **Mrs. Bly:** lol fair

 **Master Skyguy:** ive got like

 **Master Skyguy:** a zillion yottabytes

 **Mrs. Bly:** WHAT

 **Mrs. Bly:** YOTTABYTES

 **Mrs. Bly:** WHAT THE FUCK

 **Mrs. Bly:** WHERE DO YOU EVEN GET SO MANY CAT VIDEOS??????

 **Mrs. Bly:** BETTER QUESTION

 **Mrs. Bly:** HOW DO YOU EVEN GET THE STORAGE FOR THAT??????

 **Mrs. Bly:** NOT EVEN THE WHOLE FLEET HAS THAT MUCH CAPACITY

 **Master Skyguy:** the chancellor knows a guy

 **Mrs. Bly:** WHY WOULD THE CHANCELLOR GIVE YOU STORAGE UNITS FOR CAT VIDEOS

 **Mrs. Bly:** HE DOESNT EVEN LIKE THEM AS FAR AS I KNOW

 **Master Skyguy:** hes a man after my own heart

* * *

**[ _The Bois_ ]**

**Rextangle:** Guys

 **Rextangle:** Orto Plutonia is really cold

 **Mr. Secura:** Damn

 **Mr. Secura:** If only your handle still were “Captain Cool” you would have given me my job on a silver platter

 **Rextangle:** Shut up Bly

 **Rextangle:** I’m not in the mood

 **Rextangle:** It’s cold as dicks in here

 **Rextangle:** Everything is a barren wasteland of snow and ice as far as the eye can see

 **Rextangle:** My balls are freezing

 **Rextangle:** Chairman Cho is a fucking cunt

 **Rextangle:** And did I mention IT’S REALLY FUCKING COLD?!

 **Rextangle:** This sucks so hard

 **Commander Badass:** Never thought I’d say this. 

**Commander Badass:** But for once, I’m grateful for Skywalker and his stupid cat videos distracting the General and getting me shot.

 **Commander Badass:** I get to sit this one out.

 **Rextangle:** Fuck you

 **Sheevnile:** Holy crap, yes, yes he is.

 **Rextangle:** You’re talking about Chairman Cho, right?

 **Sheevnile:** Who else?

 **Rextangle:** I mean, there’s also Senator Chuchi, but she’s a _she_

 **Mr. Secura:** > Implying Fox knows the difference between men and women

 **Sheevnile:** No, she’s actually one of the nicest Senators.

 **Sheevnile:** If not the nicest of them all.

 **Sheevnile:** She actually treats me like a person.

 **Sheevnile:** Unlike a certain Jedi fucker.

 **Mr. Secura:** Guilty as charged and with zero regrets, sir

 **Rextangle:** I’m contractually obligated to disagree with you and say that Senator Amidala is the absolute best in every single regard

 **Sheevnile:** Yeah, fair enough.

 **Sheevnile:** Anyway, as I was saying.

 **Sheevnile:** I know I’m not supposed to ask you this, but neither am I supposed to be using a secure comm to shoot the shit with my brothers, so fuck it.

 **Sheevnile:** Can you make sure he doesn’t come back?

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** What the fuck Fox?!

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** Are you serious?!

 **Thired of the Senate’s Bullshit:** Seconded

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** He can’t be _that_ bad!

 **Mineral Man:** Ponds

 **Mineral Man:** He took a shit on my caf

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** So he’s a cunt 

**Big Fish in a Small Pond:** whoop dee fucking doo

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** Does that give us the authority to choose whether he lives or he dies?

 **Mineral Man:** Ponds

 **Mineral Man:** He took a LITERAL shit on my caf.

 **Thired of the Senate’s Bullshit:** Can confirm

 **Sheevnile:** It was fucking disgusting.

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** what

 **Mineral Man:** Something to prove a point to a Senator that we weren’t really sentient, and that we would follow whatever orders we were given.

 **Mr. Secura:** What the fuck.

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** That’s fucked up

 **Mineral Man:** So for some fucking reason he thought of nothing better than come towards me, pull out a box, open it, drop a LITERAL turd on my caf, and ordered me to drink it.

 **Plo Koon Jr:** MOTHERFUCKER

 **Mr. Secura:** …

 **Mr. Secura:** I’ll kill a bitch.

 **Commander Badass:** Are you shitting me?

 **Thired of the Senate’s Bullshit:** Nope

 **Thired of the Senate’s Bullshit:** I was there

 **Thired of the Senate’s Bullshit:** Most Senators are huge pieces of shit tbh

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** Stone please tell me you didn’t

 **Mineral Man:** Oh hell no

 **Rextangle:** I’ve only known him for a couple hours, and that sounds entirely like something he would do just to prove a point

 **Mineral Man:** I threw it right back at his face

 **Rextangle:** He’s advocating for literal genocide as we speak just to prove a point for fuck’s sake

 **Commander Badass:** Holy fucking hell.

 **Mineral Man:** I’m in prison now

 **Mineral Man:** But our Foxy Commander here has everything under control

 **Xeno:** Rex you better fucking stop him because otherwise I’ll commit a war crime.

 **Rextangle:** The Generals are doing what they can, Gree

 **Xeno:** Good.

 **Sheevnile:** For the record, while I wholeheartedly agree with the principle behind your actions, you REALLY shouldn’t have done that.

 **Sheevnile:** He has been trying to get Senator Burtoni’s attention to have you terminated.

 **Sheevnile:** He has a meeting with her next week.

 **Plo Koon Jr:** WHAT?!

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** He can’t do that!

 **Sheevnile:** He _won’t_.

 **Sheevnile:** As long as he doesn’t return from Orto Plutonia.

 **Sheevnile:** You see what I mean?

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** … Oh

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** Rex

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** Do it

 **Rextangle:** Working on it

 **Rextangle:** With extreme prejudice

* * *

**[Private channel between _Master Skyguy_ and _Senator Amidala_ ]**

**Master Skyguy has sent a video:** [[File-9173021.mp4]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zljgcc-RnFA)

 **Senator Amidala:** Ani

 **Senator Amidala:** I love you

 **Senator Amidala:** But if you send me another cat video at 3 AM, I’m getting a divorce.

 **Master Skyguy:** D:

* * *

**[ _The Bois_ ]**

**Rextangle:** Hey guys

 **Rextangle:** In the end he got himself killed in an ambush

 **Rextangle:** I didn’t even have to do anything

 **Rextangle:** Besides, you know, _not getting killed alongside him_

 **Commander Badass:** I love happy endings.

 **Mr. Secura:** Awesome

 **Rextangle:** And Fives and Echo handled themselves admirably under heavy enemy fire

 **Rextangle:** So suck on that, _@Commander Badass_

 **Commander Badass:** I've never been more glad of being wrong.

 **Mr. Secura:** … who?

 **Commander Badass:** The couple of shinies we picked up on the Rishi outpost.

 **Commander Badass:** They're good kids.

 **Commander Badass:** Wouldn’t want them to die horribly because they're not up for the 501st's suicidal standards.

 **Rextangle:** You’re underestimating them

 **Rextangle:** I think they’ve got the makings of ARC troopers

 **Mr. Secura:** Daaaaaaaaamn

 **Rextangle:** Granted, they’re a bit... _casual_ when it comes to professionalism and discipline

 **Rextangle:** But they’re good where it counts

 **Mineral Man:** So

 **Mineral Man:** Does this mean I’m free again?

 **Sheevnile:** Wait a couple more weeks until everything has calmed down and I’ll let you out.

 **Mineral Man:** Oh, take your time

 **Mineral Man:** Playing sabacc with the wardens is the best fun I’ve had since training

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** Uhm guys

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** Am I the only one concerned about the fact we were talking _literal_ murder and treason on an official GAR comm?

 **Xeno:** Don’t worry Ponds

 **Xeno:** First thing I did was slice the GAR comm overseers out of this comm

 **Xeno:** This comm has been our-eyes-only from day one

 **[** ** _Rextangle_ ** **has changed** **_Xeno_** **’s nametag to** **_Hackerman_ ** **]**

 **Hackerman:** We could even talk some mad shit about the Chancellor and no one would ever know

 **Sheevnile:** Really?

 **Sheevnile:** Are you sure?

 **Hackerman:** Yeah

 **Sheevnile:** Are you really, absolutely, positively sure?

 **Hackerman:** 100%

 **Sheevnile:** No margin of error?

 **Hackerman:** Fox, my dude, I’ve been slicing military-grade terminals since before Wolffe bit his first victim

 **Hackerman:** I know what I’m doing

 **Sheevnile:** Well then.

 **Mr. Secura:** Holy shit he’s been typing for five whole minutes now

 **Big Fish in a Small Pond:** Are you still there, Fox?

 **Plo Koon Jr:** Maybe he died

 **Thired of the Senate’s Bullshit:** No, he’s still writing

 **Thired of the Senate’s Bullshit:** He looks _pissed_ guys

 **Thired of the Senate’s Bullshit:** Like, _scary_ pissed

 **Sheevnile:** SHEEV PALPATINE IS A SENILE OLD FUCK HE SMELLS OF OLD PEOPLE AND MEDICAL DROIDS AND I HATE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH HE DROOLS EVERY TIME HE TALKS AND HIS HIP IS ALWAYS ACTING UP AND HAS MORE APPOINTMENTS WITH DOCTORS THAN SENATORS AND THE WRINKLY SHADY MOTHERFUCKER IS STILL FUCKING CALLING ME RED GUY AND MAKES ME FORGE A BAJILLION SIGNATURES EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY FOR FUCKS SAKE IM A CLONE COMMANDER I WAS BRED FOR BATTLE I WAS TAUGHT TACTICS BY THE BEST MANDALORIAN GENERALS ALIVE AND ACTUALLY DEFEATED THEM ON SEVERAL SIMULATIONS AND WAR GAMES I GRADUATED WITH TOP MARKS I SHOULD BE A FUCKING FIVE STARS GENERAL AND LEADING THE WAR EFFORT FROM THE FRONT AND DEFEATING THOSE FUCKING CLANKERS IN LIKE FIVE FUCKING SECONDS YET ALL I DO NOW IS FORGE DOCUMENTS AND CLEAN UP AFTER OLD PEOPLE AND SNOBS AND DICKHEADS THAT TREAT ME LIKE A FUCKING MINDLESS PROP TO BE USED AT THEIR DISPOSAL AND THE ONE TIME I GOT TO DO SOMETHING COOL MY SHITBRAINS OF BROTHERS BULLY ME MOTHERFUCKER IS IT ANY WONDER I WANT TO KILL MYSELF SO BADLY I WONDER HOW PLASMA TASTES LIKE BECAUSE EVERY DAY WHEN I WAKE UP ALL I WANT TO DO IS EAT A BOLT OR TWO AND END THIS MOTHERFUCKING MISERY GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I HATE SHEEV I HATE YOU I HATE THE SENATE I HATE EVERYTHING IN THIS FUCKING GALAXY EXCEPT FOR SENATOR CHUCHI WHO IS THE ONLY BEING IN THIS WHOLE FORSAKEN COLDBLOODED TORTURE OF AN EXISTENCE THAT TREATS ME LIKE A REAL PERSON THE COUPLE OF TIMES WEVE TALKED BUT NOT EVEN THAT IS ENOUGH TO STAVE OFF THE CRIPPLING ANXIETY DEPRESSION MISERY AND BURNING RAGE AND HATRED THAT FILLS ME TO THE FUCKING BRIM EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY I HAVE THE MISFORTUNE OF WAKING UP ALIVE HOLY SHIT THANK GOD FOR THE ACCELERATED AGING BULLSHIT SO I DONT HAVE TO REMAIN ON THIS GODFORSAKEN GALAXY FOR LONG AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 **Plo Koon Jr:** dude

 **Sheevnile:** God I really needed that.

 **Sheevnile:** So, we’re hitting 79’s when you’re back on Coruscant?

 **Plo Koon Jr:** You need to see a psychiatrist

 **Sheevnile:** Yeah, maybe.

 **Sheevnile:** But I’d rather drown my sorrows first if that’s okay with you.

 **Plo Koon Jr:** I mean

 **Plo Koon Jr:** Both are okay with me

 **Plo Koon Jr:** But after that I’m taking you to therapy

 **Sheevnile:** Sounds like a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to [writehandman](https://archiveofourown.org/users/writehandman/pseuds/writehandman)'s fantastic [Command Squad Chat](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21475132/chapters/51179494)! The bit of Plo Koon Jr draws **heavily** on their own rendition of the situation, because we found no way to one-up or do it better.


	5. How It Works

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First things first; while I usually have a "reply every comment" policy, as most (if not literally all but one) were along the same line of loving Fox and asking for him to go to therapy, I thought it would be more expedient to reply to y'all from here.
> 
> First of all, we're really, really thankful for all of your kind comments! Quite frankly, it was unexpected to get as many comments, and indeed, to keep getting them days after publishing the chapter. It's really amazing, and we (even if Bill is an absolute lurker when it comes to """PR""") can't thank you enough for it.
> 
> Regarding Fox and therapy, well, I guess that will be adressed further down the line.  
> This is most absolutely NOT his chapter, but we really appreciate the outpour of love you amazing people gave him last chapter.  
> Oh, and regarding what Fox was doing at that spot on the Senate building, he was holding a vigil of sorts for a fallen brother (the one who's usually holding that spot during the Senate sessions), killed in a drug raid gone wrong, and is utterly at a loss, because Corusguards don't usually die, so he has no idea how to deal with it. Of course, we left that implicit on the text, because Riyo has NO WAY of knowing that.
> 
> Now, back to businesses:  
> This one took a while to get out not because we weren't working on it, but because originally this chapter was supposed to be a full rewrite of Jedi Crash/Defenders of Peace, in which there is literally ONE chat portion and everything else is live-action, because it's a crossover in which every character is a main character on their own right (Blyla4life), so things are bound to happen in a different way.
> 
> Unfortunately, the problem there was that we had Blue Shadow Virus/Mystery of the Thousand Moons almost entirely done, while we had only bits and pieces of JC/DOP. So we decided to yeet the canon timeline into a fucking supernova. JC/DOP will happen further down the road, Geonosis 2 happen a bit earlier, Hostage Crisis later, etc. While canon events still happen more or less the same if they're not adressed, the time sequence of the big events is altered.
> 
> Style-wise, this chapter is half chatfic and half live-action. As this is the first time we've written any sort of action sequence, any and every feedback is enormously appreciated.

**[Private channel between _Master Skyguy_ and _Master Kenobi_ ]**

**Master Skyguy:** obiwan

 **Master Skyguy:** what the fuck is this shit about droids in naboo????

 **Master Kenobi:** Hello to you too, Anakin.

 **Master Kenobi:** How’s Padmé doing?

 **Master Skyguy:** dont change the subject obiwan

 **Master Kenobi:** I’m not.

 **Master Kenobi:** Because, you see, that information is classified and no one outside the Jedi Council is supposed to know about it.

 **Master Kenobi:** So that leads me to deduce that Padmé told you about it.

 **Master Skyguy:** wow

 **Master Skyguy:** perhaps u should have been a detective instead of a jedi

 **Master Skyguy:** smartass

 **Master Kenobi:** Yes, well, last time I tried solving a mystery I sparked an interstellar war.

 **Master Kenobi:** So thank you for the offer, but I’ll have to turn it down.

 **Master Kenobi:** In any case, you shouldn’t fret.

 **Master Kenobi:** We’ve got an emergency meeting with the Council in a couple minutes to decide what to do about it.

 **Master Skyguy:** fuck the council

 **Master Skyguy:** they suck so much

 **Master Kenobi:** Anakin. 

**Master Kenobi:** I’m on the council.

 **Master Skyguy:** not u

 **Master Skyguy:** ur cool

 **Master Skyguy:** kinda

 **Master Kenobi:** … Thanks, I guess?

 **Master Skyguy:** ur welcome

 **Master Skyguy:** just please hurry ur asses

 **Master Skyguy:** cus padme left for naboo with jar jar

 **Master Kenobi:** That’s… not ideal.

 **Master Skyguy:** understatement of the fucking century

 **Master Skyguy:** the sooner u have a plan the better

 **Master Kenobi:** Will do.

* * *

**[Private channel between** **_Master Skyguy_ ** **and** **_Snippity Snips_ ** **]**

 **Master Skyguy:** i dont even know why i bother

 **Snippity Snips:** neither do i tbh

 **Master Skyguy:** u dont even know what im going to say

 **Snippity Snips:** does it really matter?

 **Master Skyguy:** shut up snips

 **Master Skyguy:** this is serious

 **Master Skyguy:** put ur serious face on

 **Snippity Snips:** k

 **Snippity Snips:** >:I

 **Master Skyguy:**...

 **Snippity Snips:** this is my serious face

 **Snippity Snips:** look how serious i am

 **Snippity Snips:** >:I

 **Snippity Snips:** so so serious

 **Snippity Snips:** >:I

 **Master Skyguy:** … right

 **Master Skyguy:** so

 **Master Skyguy:** there are some droids on naboo

 **Snippity Snips:** go on

 **Snippity Snips:** >:I

 **Master Skyguy:** and the council is supposed to make a decision about what to do about it

 **Snippity Snips:** right

 **Snippity Snips:** >:I

 **Master Kenobi:** and i asked obiwan to hurry

 **Snippity Snips:** got it

 **Snippity Snips:** >:I

 **Snippity Snips:** so?

 **Snippity Snips:** >:I

 **Master Skyguy:** that was 4 hours ago

 **Snippity Snips:** oh

 **Snippity Snips:** >:I

 **Master Skyguy:** i swear to god

 **Master Skyguy:** the one time i ask obiwan to hurry

 **Master Skyguy:** why do they need so much time to just say something like

 **Master Skyguy:** “lmao lets just send kenobi and skywalker”

 **Master Skyguy:** “thats what we always do anyway”

 **Master Skyguy:** i dont understand whats so hard about that

 **Master Skyguy:** why take 4 fucking hours for it???

 **Master Skyguy:** what the fuck are they even talking about

 **Snippity Snips:** master

 **Snippity Snips:** coming up with a well thought out plan isnt easy

 **Master Skyguy:** i do that in like 5 seconds

 **Snippity Snips:** i said WELL THOUGHT OUT plan

 **Master Skyguy:** hey

 **Master Skyguy:** >:(

 **Snippity Snips:** there so many different variables to think about

 **Snippity Snips:** of course its going to take time!

 **Snippity Snips:** u should trust them to make the right decision

 **Snippity Snips:** theyre the wisest jedi alive

 **Snippity Snips:** and master yoda is probably the wisest ever

 **Snippity Snips:** they know what theyre doing

 **Snippity Snips:** >:I

* * *

**[ _Jedi High Council_ ]**

**Master Yoda:** raided, my methlab has been

 **Master Mundi:** what

 **Master Ti:** ???

 **Master Gallia:** Say what?!

 **Master Piell:** That explains _so_ _much_.

 **Master Tiin:** Why would you even have a meth lab in the first place.

 **Master Koth:** To make meth and sell it…?

 **Master Koth:** It’s not one of the Force’s great mysteries, Saesee.

 **Master Koth:** Also, have you seen him _fight?_

 **Master Tiin:** I thought that was just the Force.

 **Master Koth:** Dude.

 **Master Koth:** There’s no way _that_ is _just_ the Force.

 **Master Yoda:** escape 15 counts of drug possession with intent to sell, i must

 **Master Mundi:** i,,, see

 **Master Koon:** No discount for longtime friends?

 **Master Tiin:** Dude.

 **Master Koon:** Kidding!

 **Master Koon:** (kinda)

 **Master Gallia:** No, let him speak, I’m curious too

 **Master Tiin:** Doing meth is not the Jedi way.

 **Master Koon:** Shut up you horny fuck

 **Master Gallia:** Yeah

 **Master Gallia:** Don't you have a brothel to go to?

 **Master Tiin:** I will shove my lightsaber up your asses.

 **Master Tiin:** And not the way you two like it.

 **Master Gallia:** Oooh, I'm shaking in fear

 **Master Gallia:** Not

 **Master Koon:** Harder daddy

 **Master Tiin:** what

 **Master Gallia:** what

 **Master Koon:** what

 **Master Yoda:** on the run from the police, i am

 **Master Ti:** I do hope he’s joking.

 **Master Fisto:** He’s not

 **Master Fisto:** I can see the speeder chase from my window

 **Master Ti:** Oh, for the Force…

 **Master Fisto:** It’s actually pretty fun

 **Master Fisto:** The senile old dyslexic frog has some mad skillz on the wheel

 **Master Piell:** DYSLEXIC FROG

 **Master Koth:** OMFG

 **Master Gallia:** HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 **[** **_Master Piell_ ** **has changed** **_Master Yoda_ ** **’s nametag to** **_Master Dyslexic Frog_ ** **]**

 **Master Billaba:** ROFLMAO

 **Master Fisto:** LOL

 **Master Koon:** IM CRYING

 **Master Dyslexic Frog:** angry at me, allah is

 **Master Kenobi:** I think he’s losing it.

 **Master Windu:** You _think?_

 **Master Ti:** How is he typing and driving at the same time?

 **Master Fisto:** He’s one with the Force and the Force is with him

 **Master Tiin:** That makes...

 **Master Tiin:** … sense, I guess?

 **Master Koth:** Textdriving is not the Jedi way

 **Master Piell:** Yes, well, neither is having a meth lab.

 **Master Piell:** But here we are.

 **Master Ti:** Well, when you put it like that...

 **Master Mundi:** this has been ,,, most ,,, informative ,,,

 **Master Mundi:** but ,,, what abut the droid situation on naboo ??

 **Master Mundi:** are we going to talk abut that ??

 **Master Mundi:** like we were suposed to do like 3 hours ago ???

 **Master Koth:** Ok boomer.

 **Master Tiin:** You can’t make us.

 **Master Mundi:** boomer ?

 **Master Koth:** You wouldn’t get it.

 **Master Koth:** Boomer.

 **Master Mundi:** ???

 **Master Ti:** There are more pressing issues to take care of at the moment, unfortunately.

 **Master Ti:** Like the fact that Master Yoda might soon be in prison for drug dealing.

 **Master Koon:** Or the fact he hasn't shared any with us

 **Master Fisto:** Nah, he’s too good for the police

 **Master Fisto:** Just pulled out a perfect quintuple barrel roll, zigzagged through like 21 lanes of vertical traffic, did a triple inverted loop and squeezed in between a tiny alleyway

 **Master Fisto:** Motherfucker is _good_

 **Master Piell:** He _is_ strong in the Force after all

 **Master Koth:** No, dude, _that_ is just the meth.

 **Master Fisto:** Spins a lot

 **Master Fisto:** Probably has been spending way too much time with Skywalker lately

 **Master Windu:** No, God.

 **Master Windu:** _Please_ , no.

 **Master Kenobi:** How is _that_ worse than having a meth lab, Master Windu?

 **Master Fisto:** Whatever it is, he’s not going to prison anytime soon

 **Master Fisto:** And when he loses the police and comes here, they won’t dare showing up to _The Jedi Temple_ to arrest _him_

 **Master Fisto:** Not even under direct orders from the Chancellor

 **Master Fisto:** And if they do, I’d love to see them _try_

 **Master Mundi:** NABOO ?????

 **Master Koon:** Oh right

 **Master Koon:** lmao let’s just send Kenobi and Skywalker

 **Master Koon:** That’s what we always do anyway

 **Master Ti:** Good idea.

 **Master Mundi:** yes ,,, that works

 **Master Gallia:** Sure.

 **Master Rancisis:** Agreed.

 **Master Koth:** Yeah.

 **Master Fisto:** Problem solved!

 **Master Fisto:** I love these chat meetings

 **Master Fisto:** They are so expedient

 **Master Fisto:** Remember when we had to lose time sitting around in the Temple and actually _discussing things?_

 **Master Kenobi:** Why did I dare to hope I’d get a couple days of rest?

 **Master Windu:** That’s on you, Kenobi.

 **Master Windu:** Now get your and Skywalker’s asses to Naboo.

* * *

**[ _The Bois_ ]**

**Sheevnile:** GUYS CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO ME WHY THE EVERLOVING FUCK MASTER YODA HAS A METH LAB

 **Rextangle:** Your guess is as good as ours

 **Rextangle:** But on hindsight, that really explains a lot

 **Rextangle:** Also Skywalker is going to kick your ass for not sending one of the Corusguards with Senator Amidala to investigate the Naboo situation

 **Sheevnile:** GEE EXCUSE ME FROM NOT HAVING MEN TO SPARE BECAUSE THE GRAND MASTER OF THE JEDI ORDER DECIDED TO GO ON A METH FUELED RAMPAGE ACROSS CORUSCANT AND IS CURRENTLY A FUGITIVE OF THE LAW

 **Rextangle:** She took Representative Binks with her instead

 **Sheevnile:** Oh shit.

 **Sheevnile:** There goes my second favourite Senator.

* * *

**[Private channel between _Master Kenobi_ and _[Hidden Contact]_ ]**

**Master Kenobi:** How.

 **Master Kenobi:** How did you manage.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** Master Kenobi.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** This is a surprise, to be sure.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** Have you finally reconsidered the offer I made to you on Geonosis?

 **Master Kenobi:** No.

 **Master Kenobi:** That isn’t going to happen.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** Then…?

 **Master Kenobi:** Consider this a social call.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** Making “social calls” to your sworn enemies is not the Jedi way.

 **Master Kenobi:** Yes, well, neither is having a meth lab, but you’ll never guess what Master Yoda has been up to.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** Ah, does he still have it?

 **Master Kenobi:** What.

 **Master Kenobi:** _YOU KNOW?!_

 **[Hidden Contact]:** We worked together on it ever since I was a young padawan.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** We managed to create a meth so pure it was known as Kyber Blue.

 **Master Kenobi:** You and _Master Yoda_ were behind the Kyber Blue?!

 **Master Kenobi:** _THE_ Kyber Blue?!?!

 **Master Kenobi:** I thought that was just a legend!

 **[Hidden Contact]:** Yes, that was part of the plan. 

**[Hidden Contact]:** We did a good job covering our tracks.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** Our lab was operational until I left the Order. I believed Master Yoda thought pertinent to lay low, as I was no longer complicit in his crimes.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** Evidently, I was wrong.

 **Master Kenobi:** Why would you even do that in the first place?

 **Master Kenobi:** The meth, I mean, not leaving the Order.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** The Jedi Order’s expenses do not pay themselves.

 **Master Kenobi:** Isn’t the Republic supposed to set aside funds for the Order?

 **[Hidden Contact]:** What they’re supposed to do and what they _do_ are vastly different things.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** The Jedi Order hasn’t received a single credit from the Republic for centuries.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** How would you feel if I told you that said stipendium currently goes to finance the Separatist cause?

 **Master Kenobi:** I

 **Master Kenobi:** No

 **Master Kenobi:** That cannot be.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** Don’t believe my word?

 **[Hidden Contact]:** Perhaps you’ll believe your eyes.

 **[Hidden Contact] has sent a file:** [file-SUPERDUPERSECRETSITHBUDGET.pdf]

 **Master Kenobi:** You’re lying.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** It is the truth.

 **Master Kenobi:** How am I supposed to trust a file literally called "Super Duper Secret Sith Budget"?

 **Master Kenobi:** Who titled that, a three year old with an oversized ego?

 **[Hidden Contact]:** From a certain point of view, yes.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** We are speaking of a Sith Lord with a day job as a politician powerful enough to move Republic funds wherever they please with total impunity, after all.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** When I told you the Sith had control over the Senate, it was not a threat but a warning.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** If you're unable to believe my word, believe in the Force.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** You'll find that it tells you much the same as I do.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** Your faith in your flawed system blinds you, Kenobi.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** The democracy you claim to protect is already dead.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** Its rotting corpse desecrated by a self-serving Senate.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** And so it has been for centuries.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** Deny it as much as you like.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** You know it’s true.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** Leaving me on read, Kenobi?

 **[Hidden Contact]:** I expected better from you.

 **Master Kenobi:** I was busy.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** Doing what, going into denial like a “good Jedi” does?

 **Master Kenobi:** No.

 **Master Kenobi:** For your information, I was getting myself a bottle of rum.

 **Master Kenobi:** And downing it in a single gulp.

 **Master Kenobi:** Rinse and repeat.

 **Master Kenobi:** I’m on my third bottle.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** _Rum?_

 **[Hidden Contact]:** Unacceptable.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** No lineage of mine will degrade themselves by drinking such garbage.

 **Master Kenobi:** Oh really.

 **Master Kenobi:** And what do you suggest, Count?

 **[Hidden Contact]:** That depends.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** Corellian vodka gets the job done if what you want is to get wasted quickly.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** But my very own vintages of brandy from Serenno are rather good if you want to enjoy the alcohol before falling to the sweet embrace of oblivion for a good couple of hours.

 **Master Kenobi:** I’ll consider it.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** Do you want me to send you a crate of it?

 **[Hidden Contact]:** Consider it a belated gift for my grandpadawan’s appointment to the Jedi Council.

 **Master Kenobi:** As long as you don’t poison it, sure.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** Do you think so little of me that you’d believe I’d stoop so low?

 **Master Kenobi:** I mean, you _are_ a Sith Lord.

 **Master Kenobi:** And have tried to kill me.

 **Master Kenobi:** Repeatedly.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** Yes, but I have dignity.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** If I am to kill you, I’d rather do it in person.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** Perhaps after a nice cup of tea.

 **Master Kenobi:** How reassuring.

 **Master Kenobi:** I’ll be awaiting the liquor crate. 

**Master Kenobi:** Now, if you'll excuse me, I’m going to keep drinking until I blackout and forget every sentence that was said in this chat until Anakin finds me sleeping on the ‘fresher’s floor in a puddle of my own vomit and piss.

 **Master Kenobi:** Again.

 **[Hidden Contact]:** You and me both, Kenobi. You and me both.

* * *

Standing in the ‘fresher’s doorframe, Anakin sighs deeply as he takes in the scene in front of him.

It’s not even funny how often this happens.

Anakin pinches his nose for a few seconds before shrugging.

“Guess it’s just me and Snips, then.”

Someone knocks on the door to Obi-Wan's quarters. "Master, is Master Kenobi ready to go?" Speak of the devil.

"He's, uh... busy in deep meditation," Anakin calls back, making sure that his former master is actually breathing. Satisfied that he is, Anakin continues, "Yep. _Very_ deep meditation. It's best we don't disturb him."

"Really? That's the third time this week! What does he need to meditate that much for?" Ahsoka wonders naïvely.

Anakin almost snorts. "Oh, you know, guidance from the Force and that sort of stuff."

He covers Obi-Wan's wasted, fetid body with a blanket and then leaves a small note by the 'fresher's mirror that reads "dude, get ur shit together". He can't help but snicker a little at how hypocritical that is coming from him.

Whatever. It's not like they have time to sober Obi-Wan up. Padmé needs their help now. His old master can catch up to them later.

* * *

“Yousa let us go!” Jar Jar squeaks at their captors, eyeing the droids’ blasters nervously.

To say that Padmé is utterly unimpressed by the mad Faust scientist standing in front of Jar Jar and her would be an understatement. Although, to be fair, at this point in her life, Padmé has been captured and held at gunpoint far more times than it’s healthy, so she’s rather used to it.

Although it never quite stops to impress her how they _always_ forget to strip her of her wrist comm. It just takes a small brush of the tip of her fingers (which, to the casual observer, looks like she’s struggling against her cuffs) and the small comm is online and broadcasting back to Captain Typho, if muted on her end as to not give it away.

It’s more for Typho’s sake than hers that she asks: “Who are you? Why are you holding us?”

The scientist ignores her question, dramatically closing in Jar Jar’s personal space and appraising him.

" _Vonderful_ specimens,” he says in a frankly _ridiculous_ voice, and Jar Jar gulps. Padmé, however, does not share his concern, too busy as she is biting the inside of her cheeks to stop herself from laughing. The Faust then turns towards Padmé and lowers himself to be at eye level with her. “Vhat’s a life-form like _you_ doing in a svamp like _zis_?”

_Oh, God, the stench._

Padmé scrunches her nose in distaste.

 _Mad, overly dramatic, with a ridiculous voice and in sore need of a mint. This guy is quite something, isn’t he_ , she thinks, before turning and glaring at him. “Didn’t I just ask you the same thing?” Padmé raises an unimpressed eyebrow.

The Faust scientist, apparently satisfied with the, ehem, _‘vonderful specimens’_ that walked into his secret lab, backs away and straightens himself to his full height.

“Zanks to ze support of my compassionate friends” – Padmé bites back her snort – “in ze Separatist Alliance,” he makes a dramatic pause. _Oh God, he actually makes a dramatic pause_ , Padmé is unable to believe her eyes, unsure whether to laugh or cry. “ _I_ am creating _life_!” he announces, raising his arms and everything.

 _God, what a tool_ , she rolls her eyes.

“Howsa yousa creating life?” Jar Jar skeptically asks, and for a brief instant, Padmé wonders if he’s aware of her active comm.

She soon discards the thought. Jar Jar, while a faithful friend, wasn’t bright enough to realise something like that without being told outright… Or at all, really.

Padmé chalks it up to his weird talent to help while not actually _trying to_ do so. Chances were that, if Jar Jar actually _tried_ to help her, he’d probably end up getting them both executed on the spot.

“I’m so pleased you inquired. A demonstration is in order,” he states, and pompously turns away from them. _Yay, exposition!_ Padmé internally fist pumps. Gotta love mad scientists and their egos. 

The scientist walks towards one of his shelves, grabbing a tiny vial with a blue liquid. “Allow me to present ze return of ze _infamous_. Blue. Shadow. Virus!” he proclaims proudly, emphasising every word in the most obnoxious way possible.

Padmé pauses.

Now _that_ was worrying.

“The Blue Shadow Virus?” Padmé repeats, actually concerned for the first time since the droids took them captives. Not for their safety, mind you, but because bringing _that_ plague is probably the stupidest thing one can even attempt to do. “I thought that deadly disease was extinct.”

“Yeees, it vas viped from ze galaxy generations ago, but _I_ have given it life once again,” he answers, sounding (and looking) unbearably smug about it.

Jar Jar suitably looks aghast.

“Yousa not creating life! Yousa _taking_ life!” the Gungan accuses, indignant. “Yousa poisoned the Gungan water!”

“Yeh yeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeye—” Padmé flinches. _Dear God, what is_ wrong _with this guy?_ “—yeyeyeyeyeyeyee yeees!” Alright, she was officially no longer amused by the nutjob in front of them, considering his literal genocidal intentions. 

The Faust turns away from them, still talking. ”Un _for_ tunately, ze Blue Shadow Virus, in its natural form, thrives _only_ in vater... until _I_ im _proved_ upon zat veakness.” He places the small blue vial on a platform, walks away, and pulls down a lever next to it.

Electricity, coming from two pylons hanging from the roof, is immediately shot towards the vial. After a couple of seconds, the electricity stops.

The vial’s blue liquid has turned into a swirling blue cloud, and Padmé stomach sinks in dread at the implications.

“Yes yes yeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeye yes! Your eyes do not deceive you. _I_ have perfected an _aaaiiirrrborne_ strain of ze Blue Shadow Virus!”

A tiny droid walks up to him, holding up a small round bomb.

“This is the last of the bombs, doctor,” the droid states politely.

“I’m vell avare zis is ze last!” the scientist rudely snaps at it, snatching the bomb from the droid, who flinches. “You’d zink I’d lose count?” Then he grabs the vial, and places it into the bomb, which pops online. “Ze virus in its gaseous forms, combined with zese bombs, vill release the Blue Shadow virus back into ze galaxy, more potent zan _ever_ before.”

“Are you insane?” Padmé futilely asks, because she already knows that yes, he’s _absolutely_ insane. “It’s a deadly disease! No life-forms are immune to it. That’s why it was eradicated!”

“You mean _murdered!”_

“No, I mean _eradicated_ ,” she retorts. “You can’t murder what isn’t alive in the first place! Viruses aren’t living things!”

Just as she expected, though, her words are ignored by the scientist as he hands the bomb to his tiny droid.

“Take zis away. Meanwhile,” he stalks up towards them, “as ve speak, zousands and zousands of so-called _superior life-forms_ are spreading zeir disease of _war_ zroughout ze galaxy. Perhaps zey are ze ones who should be _errradicated_.”

 _That includes you, you imbecile,_ Padmé thinks glumly as, on the Faust’s command, the battle droids grab Jar Jar and her and tie them to the tiny platform by the shock pylons.

Well, knowing him, Ani would take until the last possible second to save the day, so she might as well get comfortable.

* * *

“Where are they?” Anakin mutters, pacing and shooting anxious glances out of the Palace’s hangar. 

The gunships should have arrived already to start their offensive, and while extremely useful from a strategic point of view, Padmé’s transmission had really fucked his anxiety up.

“Patience. They’ll be here in a moment,” Obi-Wan says from where he’s sitting against some crates. “You seem a bit on edge.”

“There’s a good chance we’re about to destroy all life on this planet, including ours and the senator’s, so yes, I’m a bit on edge! Why aren’t you?” Anakin snaps at him.

His old master shrugs. “I’m better at hiding it.”

“No, you’re just still too drunk to give a shit,” Anakin shoots back.

“Maybe,” Obi-Wan allows with a small lopsided smirk, and for a brief moment, Anakin wonders just how much alcohol you have to consume to be able to get completely wasted and somehow _still_ be drunk hours later. 

Either Obi-Wan completely flaked out on him when it came to teach him that part of Jedi training, or he’s been sneaking shots when Anakin isn’t watching.

He might as well have shared one or two, if the latter’s the case. Force knows Anakin’s nerves could have used a drink.

Obi-Wan produces a small holopad from his utility belt.

“Perhaps a cat video or two might help soothe your nerves?” his former master gently proposes.

At that, Anakin stops pacing. He is torn.

On the one hand, a mad scientist has just recreated the most lethal virus in galactic history and perfected an airborne strain of it, which would ravage the entire galaxy and end all sentient life within weeks if they didn’t stop him as soon as possible; a mad scientist who just so happens to have Anakin’s secret wife as his captive, putting her not only in the line of fire for the next mission (which is a risk too many for Anakin’s taste), but also placing her directly in ground zero should the virus be unleashed, a situation in which a quick death would be the best possible outcome. 

There’s a time and a place for everything, and when you’re dealing with the threat of a potential mass extinction on a galactic-scale, the last thing you should do is stop to watch cat videos.

But, on the other hand... 

_Cat videos._

_Cat._

_Videos._

Fortunately, Anakin is saved from having to make the most difficult choice of his life when Ahsoka’s voice comes through his comm, forcing Knight and Master to focus back on the matter at hand.

* * *

The operation, so far, is going smoothly. Vindi and his droids were taken by surprise by the infiltration, unable to counter the offensive in any meaningful way, despite being on home turf and outnumbering them. Ahsoka and Rex’s distraction was certainly working, because Anakin has yet to come across a single droid.

Everything is going according to plan.

Which is extremely concerning.

After all, when has anything involving The Team ever gone according to plan?

Fucking never.

So Anakin is just waiting for the other shoe to fall.

Still, he dares to hope that, just for once, things will be alright as he spots Vindi’s lab at the end of the tunnel.

Dashing forward, Anakin runs his lightsaber through the thick durasteel door and starts cutting an opening. It takes far more time than is dramatically appropriate, losing any advantage the element of surprise might have given them.

By the time the durasteel door falls to the ground, several droids are already aiming their weapons at them, and the Faust doctor is standing by a lever with an arrogant smile.

And tied to a small platform next to him is…

“Padmé!”

And Jar Jar too, but whatever.

“Take anozer step and your friends _die_ ,” Vindi proclaims smugly, and proceeds to pull down the lever.

Electricity shoots straight into Padmé and Jar Jar, making them squirm and shout in pain as it courses through their bodies.

Anakin flinches, tightening his grip on his lightsaber.

“Drop your veapons,” the Faust repeats, gloating like a man who knows he holds every card. Vindi isn’t bluffing.

The temptation to rush him and wipe that sickening smile from his face with one swift slash of his lightsaber is all too strong, but Padmé’s cries of pain cut straight to Anakin’s core and give him pause.

She’s suffering.

He won’t risk her life.

He can’t lose her.

“Wait!” he shouts, and the clones freeze. He feels Ross looking at him warily while Attie, Ridge and Tipper keep aiming at the droids surrounding them. Anakin looks down. “Do as he says,” he orders reluctantly, already crouching and leaving his lightsaber on the floor.

After a second’s hesitation, the clones follow suit with heavy reluctance.

Vindi smirks. “Zat’s vat I thought,” he states, pulling the lever back up and sparing his captives from the electricity. Padmé gasps, breathing heavily, slightly slumped against her binds, too pained to remain upright.

The droids close in on them. Anakin counts at least five SBDs and four B1 battle droids, all of them aiming straight at him. 

Those are some pretty terrible odds.

For _them_.

Anakin smirks, feeling the Force swirl around himself, bending itself under his control, reaching out and _grabbing_...

“SIKE, BITCH!” is the only warning they get before Vindi and his droid retinue start hovering off the ground, held aloft by the Force that, steadily and at Anakin’s command, starts tightening its iron grip on them.

The battle droids screech as the unrelenting pressure starts breaking them apart, while the Faust chokes, gasping for air and pathetically clawing at his throat, trying to resist the invisible hand that strangles him.

Ross mutters a curse underneath his breath.

“Wait, he could do that the whole time?” Tipper asks Attie, befuddled. Attie only shrugs, still staring wide-eyed at the scene in front of them.

“Get ready to take the doctor captive as soon as I drop him,” Anakin commands them.

“Yes sir!” they all reply as one, swiftly picking their rifles up and moving towards the hovering, choking Faust.

However, there’s just one tiny problem:

Anakin doesn’t want to let Vindi go _quite_ yet.

He’s enjoying it.

He’s _relishing_ in Vindi’s complete helplessness.

Oh, how _easy_ it would be to snap his neck with just the tiniest flicker of a finger and be done with this dangerous madman that threatened Padmé and her homeworld, that _hurt_ Padmé, that _dared_ electrocute her just to save his own worthless hide…

He _really could_ do it, too, Anakin realises, and that makes him stop cold on his tracks.

_This isn’t right…_

_One less threat to the Galaxy,_ his own voice comes back at him, with an insidiously dark edge to it. _One less threat to Padmé’s life. If protecting her isn’t what’s right, then what is it?_

_The law will do that for me. He must stand trial._

Frowning, Anakin lets him go. Knowing what’s right doesn’t make doing it feel any better.

The Faust drops to the ground unceremoniously, gasping for air desperately, his pompous composure shattered. He’s in no state to offer resistance as the clone troopers hold him at gunpoint and cuff his hands behind his back.

Anakin, however, is already dashing towards Vindi’s own captives.

“Are you okay?” he asks, kneeling by Padmé’s side.

“What took you so long?” she quirks a teasing eyebrow, a slight slur to her voice being the only evidence that she was just electrocuted and is still mildly discombobulated.

“You’re welcome,” Anakin grumbles good-naturedly as he unties her and Jar Jar, glad to see Padmé isn’t shaken by her ordeal… but then again, when is she? “Obi-Wan got blackout drunk on the way from Coruscant. Had to wait for him to sober up.” 

That was stretching the truth a bit, but Anakin didn’t quite care. If he could roast his old master he would, no questions asked, and he knew for a fact that the feeling was mutual.

“Again?” Padmé frowns, rubbing her sore wrists. “He should seek help.”

“He does. From the bottom of a bottle.”

“Fools!” Vindi suddenly calls out from the floor. “You zink you can stop _me?!”_

Anakin blinks.

“Yes,” he bluntly replies. _I literally just did, dude_.

“A- _ha!_ But zat’s vhere you’re _wrong!”_ Vindi shuffles in his binds, and a small but shrill beeping rings out.

Padmé’s eyes widen in panic.

“What have you done?” she demands of the Faust, who only laughs derangedly. The nervous clones tighten their grip on their rifles.

Anakin glances between the two of them, confused.

“What _did_ he do?” he asks Padmé after a couple of seconds, not understanding her urgency.

Padmé levels a worried look at him.

“He activated the bombs.”

* * *

“Well, looks like the bomb room,” Relay says as they follow General Kenobi into a tall chamber, lined to the roof with countless tiny ball-like devices.

 _Yeah, no shit,_ Wire snarks internally, eyeing the shelves warily. Relay had a penchant for stating the obvious, hence his name.

“Yes, and luckily they appear inactive,” General Kenobi says.

_Beep._

Wire’s stomach sinks.

_Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbee—_

He just had to open his goddamn mouth, hadn’t he?

“I spoke too soon,” Kenobi gulps, then turns towards them. “Get these deactivated now!”

“Yes sir!” Wire nods, immediately grabbing the nearest bomb and starting to defuse it.

“I really fucking hate Jedi,” Claymore mutters by his side, working on his own bomb, and, to be honest, Wire has to agree with him.

Their ability to conjure trouble is truly unmatched. Pity the clone who’s unlucky enough to accompany them on their missions besides their untouchable commanders.

Or, if the rumours about General Secura and Commander Bly are true, _all too-touched_ commanders.

The luck of some brothers. Meanwhile, here he is, stuck with the 212th.

Not for the last time, Wire wishes he could have been assigned to the Coruscant Guard instead. At least he wouldn’t have to deal with catastrophe-prone Jedi.

Still, could be worse. Kenobi is a competent, kind and caring CO, and not half as insane or suicidal as Skywalker and the 501st, so he’ll count his blessings.

“Anakin,” Kenobi meanwhile says into his wrist comm. Speak of the devil. “The bombs are active. I repeat, the bombs are active!”

A second later, General Skywalker’s bemused voice comes through.

_“Yeah, I fucking noticed.”_

“Weren’t you supposed to stop Vindi from doing _exactly that_?” Kenobi sounds more like a disappointed parent scolding a misbehaved child than like the soldier in the middle of a warzone whose partner has just failed his part of the mission with potential galactic-threatening consequences he is supposed to be.

_“I did, but nutcase has a wrist pad. He activated them remotely while cuffed.”_

“And why didn’t you take it off him?” Kenobi asks, as if it was the most obvious thing in the galaxy. And quite frankly, it kind of is.

There’s a beat of silence. _“Motherfucker took me by surprise, okay?”_ Skywalker sounds frustrated.

“Good job,” Kenobi snarks.

“ _Look, it’s been a long day._ ”

“Right.”

_“Listen, jackass, maybe if I wasn’t worried about your alcoholic ass, none of this would have happened!”_

Their General blinks.

“How does that have _anything_ to do with _you_ failing to stop Vindi?” he eventually asks.

 _“Nothing, but damn it if it makes me feel better bitching about it,”_ Skywalker retorts, and Wire is pretty sure he can hear a female voice muttering something on the other side of the comm. She doesn’t sound impressed. _“Third time this week, Obi-Wan. That’s not healthy.”_

“Anakin, I’ll have you know I have it perfectly under control.”

_“You were passed out in a puddle of your own vomit!”_

Now that's an image...

Kenobi scoffs. “Oh, as if that’s the worst you’ve seen me.”

_“No, it’s not, and y’know, that kinda makes it worse.”_

“Anakin, is this really the time for this?” Kenobi sighs in exasperation.

_“Considering you’re drunk most of the off-time we have these days, yes, I think it is.”_

“You’re overreacting.”

_“You’re still drunk! You told me as much like an hour ago!”_

“And yet, it doesn’t impair my judgment nor combat awareness. It’s called _functional_ alcoholism for a reason, Anakin.”

Claymore shoots a glance at Wire, and he doesn’t need to see his brother’s face to know he’s as sour-faced as he can possibly be. 

Would it _kill_ the Jedi to take things seriously? Just for once? _PLEASE?_

 _“That’s not...,”_ Skywalker says before sighing heavily. _“Whatever. You’re right, this isn’t the time.”_

“Glad to see you’ve come to your senses.”

_“If only because you refuse to come to yours. Look, what’s done is done, and now this nutjob is saying he can’t turn the bombs off.”_

“Have you considered he might be lying?”

_“Yeah, no shit, but unless I go full Sith on him, I don’t think we have enough time to claw an answer out of him, so I’d have the bomb squad going just in case.”_

“We’re ahead of you in that regard. These bombs are far too dangerous to be left untouched, so defusing them is a necessity.” Kenobi pinches his nose in frustration. “In any case, one of the bombs is missing; we need to find it _now_. It’s got to be down here somewhere.”

_“Copy that. Ahsoka is on the hunt. Anakin out.”_

If that’s supposed to reassure Wire, it failed spectacularly.

* * *

When he woke up earlier that morning, Rex certainly didn’t expect for his day to turn out this way.

So let it not be said that the life of a clone is uninteresting.

Harsh? Yes.

Cruel? Yes.

Absolutely bereft of gratitude? Completely.

Designed to end horribly? Check and check.

“What a waste.”

“With all due respect, Senator,” Rex forces out a sigh through his clenching, burning throat, “It’s what these men were born to do.”

He covers Ross’ corpse with a canvas. 

“Nu kyr’adyc, shi taab’echaaj’la,” he mutters.

The operation had gone without a hitch. Vindi was stopped and taken in by Kenobi and Skywalker, the bombs were defused and the missing one found. All of that, rendered worthless in an instant as Vindi’s tiny servant droid placed a vial with the virus in a single bomb and exploded it before they could stop it.

And now, here they were.

Waiting for the end.

Senator Amidala frowns sadly. It’s only her late exposure to the virus the reason she’s still standing almost none the worse to wear, aside from the heavy, dark bags under her eyes. “I hope their sacrifice brings us closer to peace.”

 _I wouldn’t hold my breath_ , Rex snorts bitterly. Countless of his brothers had died already, and yet the war was only getting started. He has lost hope of peace, just as he has resigned himself to his fate.

Of course, Commander Tano hasn’t. Heavy coughs hack through her, but she still rises up from where she was crouching by Ridge’s side. Maybe a bit too fast, given her weakened state, her skin pale and with an unnatural blue tinge to it.

“It will, Padmé,” she says between coughs. “You must…” she sways on her feet. Rex tenses up in anticipation. “... believe that…” and she loses her balance, legs too weak to keep supporting her.

“Ahsoka!” Senator Amidala cries out, but Rex rushes as fast as he can, catching her just in time in his arms. Slowly and carefully, he sets her down, leaning against a wall.

Ahsoka’s eyes flutter open, unfocused.

“How… Wasn’t I just standing…?” she says weakly.

“You’re too weak, commander. It’s best if you stay close to the ground,” Rex states, not unkindly. As he goes to stand and leave, however, Ahsoka’s tiny hand shots forward and grasps his arm. 

“Wait… Don’t… Don’t leave me,” Ahsoka looks up at him, her bloodshot blue eyes wide and fearful.

Well, he can’t say no to that, now can he?

With difficulty, Rex crouches again, then turns to sit down beside Ahsoka. His joints burn in pain, but he’s used to it by now. Every clone is used to the pain; the longnecks had left no stone unturned during training.

“I’m here, kid,” he mutters reassuringly, protocol be damned. Because that’s exactly what she is. _She’s just a kid._ “I’m here.”

“I… I don’t want to die, Rex…” Ahsoka mutters, her voice low and weak.

“You _won’t_. Skywalker will pull through just in time, like he always does,” Rex tries to reassure her, but a violent cough hacks through him, and when he uncovers his mouth, he sees blood on his hand. He can’t help but chuckle grimly. “Me, though? I think I’m long overdue.”

Her breath hitches when she notices the red liquid staining his gloves. “Don’t you dare say that,” Ahsoka’s voice trembles. “You can’t die. You just can’t.”

“No, I mean it. I’ve made it almost a whole year through the war serving under _Skywalker_. I’ve been thrown off more cliffs and ledges than I can count. Been saved from countless of last stands. Made it out of several suicide missions. Faced off against Ventress and Grievous time and time again. And I’ve survived all of that when so many others have not.” Rex shakes his head. It feels so light and heavy at the same time. He has to fight to keep his eyes open as fatigue grows on him. 

Attie and Ross had already succumbed to the virus, and it was only a matter of time until the rest of them did. At least Fives and Echo were on leave. They wouldn’t die a senseless death there with him.

“Yeah,” he breathes out, staring at the wall ahead. “I think it’s about time I didn’t make it.”

Suddenly a weight presses against his side.

He looks down to see orange arms with bulging blue veins wearing plastoid vambraces firmly wrapped around his barrel. They shake and shiver like a leaf against the wind, but they refuse to let go.

“No,” Ahsoka says, her voice strong despite her fatigue and fear. “If I make it, you make it. That’s how it works.”

“That’s not…” he begins, but the young togruta cuts him off.

“ _That’s how it works_ ,” she repeats forcefully. “I won’t lose you, Rex. I _can’t_ lose you.”

 _Even if we_ do _make it out of this one, you’ll still have to, one day,_ he thinks, _Sooner or later_ , but decides to stay his words. They wouldn’t do any good now. 

Almost imperceptibly, Rex leans into her embrace.

If death was coming to claim them…

At least they had each other.

* * *

In the end, Rex was right.

Her Master pulled through just in the nick of time.

Ahsoka is far too disoriented and exhausted, her every limb burning in pain, to really pay any attention to what’s happening as a hazmat-protected Coric comes up to her, reads her vitals and pricks her neck with what she hopes is the antidote.

All she is aware is of how silent the chamber is. 

She can make out Senator Amidala’s voice, as well as Representative Binks’, and feels her heart warm at knowing that they, at least, pulled through.

But the only clones speaking have strong, commanding voices. Untouched by the virus. 

Almost every single one of the troopers who had been infected are silent. Unmoving. Unbreathing. Unliving.

Even the one on which she was resting on had stopped coughing, taken by the darkness. Rex’s unnaturally pale head is hanging limply to the side, mouth agape.

She is unable to feel his ever-reassuring presence on the Force, but in her current state, the Force is darkened and swirly, and she can’t make heads or tails of it. She’s unable to truly get a grasp on the Force.

That’s why she’s unable to pick up Rex on it.

There is no other reason but that.

She refuses to allow herself to think otherwise.

A clone’s voice sounds, far too close for her comfort. With difficulty, she raises her gaze. One of the Hazmat-protected clones. Probably Coric.

“...mander Tano? Are you listening to me?”

His voice isn’t accusing or annoyed, but genuinely concerned. She blinks heavily, gingerly nodding. She can’t trust herself to do anything else. Everything hurts, and she’s so, so weak...

“I’m going to move you onto a hover stretcher, okay?

They’re getting her out of here. She’s going to see the light of the sun again. Though she will never admit it, she had almost given up hope.

But moving her onto a stretcher meant…

Her weakened arms tighten around Rex’s barrel, still holding on to their one-sided hug. She won’t let go of him. Not until she knows for sure.

Her throat is wrecked, and even making a sound hurts, but Ahsoka has to know, _needs_ to know. “Is… Is Rex okay…?”

Coric takes a second too long to answer.

“Yes, Commander. He’s alive,” and his voice sounds all too reluctant to say so, but she’s known him for long enough to know he’s not one to lie about his patients to give them false hope. In fact, after a minuscule pause, he adds: “I won’t lie to you, Commander. He’s in very bad shape, but he’ll pull through. I’ll make sure of it.”

Rex was alive.

Rex _is_ alive.

Res is _going to be_ alive.

That’s all she wants to hear.

“O-okay… Okay…” Ahsoka mutters, finally letting the fight go out of her body, her arms letting go of Rex’s unconscious form, and allowing Coric to move her to the stretcher.

_See, Rexy Old Boy? I told you; I make it, you make it. That’s how it works._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anakin's move on Vindi is literally his Battlefront II "Retribution" ability. It annoys me that Anakin actually did give up when Vindi demanded he does, with no contingency plan in mind nor a dirty trick up his sleeve, so I changed that.
> 
> Up next: I have no fucking clue. We have Satine's debut complete, but we need to go AT LEAST through Geonosis 2 before that. Bill's on his finals now, so when he's done with it we might up productivity once again.

**Author's Note:**

> Considering it's pure crack, new chapters should come by when new content is made. Currently we have a lot of scenes and bits here and there, but it's unsorted, and we're trying to keep to a chronological sequence.
> 
> Hope you like it!


End file.
